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F*cking *rsehole is outraged about being called a f*cking *rsehole

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Fucking arsehole Alastair Campbell has alleged that the shadow chancellor John McDonnell called him a ‘fucking arsehole’, it has emerged.

The alleged exchange is said to have taken place backstage after a live broadcast of BBC Question Time, a programme in which right wing panelists and a biased presenter queue up to abuse a Labour politician each Thursday evening.

During the programme, Mr. Campbell claimed that Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell are “destroying the Labour Party with their unfairly high level of integrity, and with their dangerous ideas about helping the poor and vulnerable.”

The former spin doctor also lambasted Jeremy Corbyn for his “shocking lack of enthusiasm for unjustified and illegal military invasions of oil-rich countries.”

It is understood that many on the right of the Labour Party had believed that going public about the shadow chancellor’s alleged outburst would gain them some much needed sympathy, but recent polling suggests Mr McDonnell’s popularity has in fact risen as a result of the incident.

UK News

Spiv who put millions of kids into poverty now pretends to give a sh*t about their education

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A man who chose to plunge millions of children into poverty is now pretending he does in fact give a shit about the quality of their education, it has emerged.

Former Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne said: “My cruel austerity policies were designed to squeeze the poorest families in Britain, in order to funnel more money to people who are already rich.”

“Even though I understood the consequences of austerity, such as a huge increase in homelessness, the death of vast numbers of the sick and disabled, and a massive rise in child poverty, I went ahead regardless because I just don’t give a shit about those people.

“They are the undeserving poor and disabled, and can fuck off. Or so I thought.”

“I am now asking the public to believe that I have changed my ideology to that of Jeremy Corbyn, and that I do now actually give a shit about at least some of them.”

“I am publicly opposing Theresa May’s reintroduction of grammar schools because they are bad for the majority of children, and definitely not because I am angered that she failed to give me a position in her cabinet of millionaires, because that would be the height of hypocrisy.”

UK News

Labour should consider expelling anyone who might not vote for me, says Owen Smith

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Owen Smith has suggested that Labour’s National Executive Committee should consider expelling any party members who it is suspected might not vote for him.

The embattled leadership candidate said: “What troubles me is that Labour has a party within a party. And I don’t mean the Thatcherite entryist group called Progress, because right wing entryists are totally harmless, what with being relaxed about privatisation and the accumulation of extreme wealth.”

“The real problem is that there are all these long-term entryists who have Labour and left wing values and they might not vote for me. All of them are double plus bad and are basically the same as the Militant Tendency from the 1980s.”

When asked about the possibility of banning Momentum from Labour, Mr Smith said: “I think the NEC should look at banning them if it would give me a better chance of winning the leadership contest, because despite my excellent and sometimes sexist banter, I’m currently not on course to win.”

“It’s quite terrifying to think that many of the entryists have been members of Labour even longer than me, such as the 93 year old war veteran Harry Leslie Smith. In some cases, we also have teenagers who have joined a party for the first time, but who are evil little bastards because a few years ago they tweeted some kind of agreement with a tweet from the Green party.”

“Some of these lifelong infiltrators seem to be acting like terrorist sleeper cells, patiently paying their membership fees for decades, just so they can be ready to vote against me in the 2016 leadership race, as well as all nine of the leadership challenges we’ve got planned for 2017.”

But Smith was upbeat about the medicine that he believes the Party needs: “Like the NHS and the few remaining public services that the brave Tories have not yet got round to flogging to their friends, Momentum is a cancer that must be eliminated. And I am the cure that needs to be forced down the party’s throat while pinned down by a pair of hospital orderlies.”

UK News

David Cameron to stand down as MP ‘to spend more time doing drugs and shagging pig heads’

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Former Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he is to stand down as a member of Parliament, in order to spend more time doing drugs and having sex with pig heads.

The 49-year-old has been Conservative MP for Witney since 2001, and became Conservative leader in 2005. During his six-year term as Prime Minister, Mr. Cameron and his cabinet of millionaires presided over the destruction of public services for private profit, as well as massive increases in homelessness and poverty.

Speaking to journalists outside his very expensive home, David Cameron said: “Having irreparably fucked up the country, and having caused the death or suffering of thousands, if not millions of British citizens, I think I’m going to bugger off to enjoy my offshored personal wealth now.”

“To the ordinary people who voted for my party in two general elections, and to those whose lives I callously ruined to help the rich get richer, I have only one message.”

“Farewell and fuck you all.”

On learning of Cameron’s announcement, Iain Duncan Smith said: “Although I disagree with David on the issue of the European Union, I have always admired his willingness to harm or kill large numbers of people, including the disabled and children, in pursuit of the wholesale liquidation of all public services.”

“Some people may want to see me on trial for crimes against humanity, but I would like everybody to know that just like the concentration camp guards, I was merely following orders from my superiors.”

UK News

Tories propose ‘youth tax’ to fund increase in pensioner benefits

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Senior back-bench Conservatives and Nigel Farage have called on the government to implement a tax on young people, to fund a massive increase in pensioner benefits during the massive recession that Brexit is expected to provoke.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said: “The increasing deficit and falling tax revenues are directly related to the failure of young people in this country to work hard enough.”

“Instead, they live a life of luxury in shared houses paying tiny amounts of rent, have meager student debts, and own iPhones. It’s now time to put an end to the lazy and feckless young.”

“I call on the government to introduce a ‘young person tax’ that will apply to anyone under the age of 40 who has not been to public school.”

“I would also like to see the creation of a volunteer service for young people. All under 40s would be required to volunteer for 5 hours a week in the households of over 60s, in order to help social cohesion.”

“Being forced to do tasks such as cooking, cleaning, gardening, and emptying adult nappies would teach the young the importance of taking responsibility for themselves.”

“It is also crucial that we place an immediate ban on the sale of iPhones to young people. This technology is a threat to national security, because it allows young people to complain about Brexit and share information about the Leave campaign’s lies and idiocy.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, another Conservative MP and former chancellor who was once photographed with an alleged prostitute, said: “We Conservatives have long realized that the key for us to stay in government is to royally screw the young, on behalf of the older generations.”

“It is therefore vital that hardworking pensioners continue to be rewarded, at the expense of people of working age.”

“It’s actually a very simple scam. People of working age pay for pensions and social provisions for the older generations, who then decide they would like to live more comfortably, and so workers must be made poorer, or the young must be robbed of their future, or both.”

“What terrifies the establishment more than anything, even more than Brexit, is the day when the young experience a politically awakening and realise they are being f*cked over, and by whom.”

UK News

Owen Smith: I waded through faeces and fought the undead to obtain my wife

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I waded through neck-high shit and then vanquished an army of 10,000 undead to secure my wife’s hand in marriage, and this definitely proves I have leadership potential, Owen Smith has claimed.

The labour leadership contender said: “It was 30 years ago this week. Singer Sinitta was in the music charts and a new television drama called Casualty was starting.”

“As a completely normal A-level student keen to prove my party political leadership skills, I set off on a quest to pull one of the few females in the school.”

“Unfortunately, Liz was trapped on a small island in the middle of a lake of shit, garrisoned by around 10,000 undead warriors.”

In hindsight, I think they may have been that mythical horde of antisemitic Jeremy Corbyn supporters that the right of the party like to talk about.

“I initially considered building a raft from my extensive collection of Loaded magazines, but I decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to soil my wank material.”

“After wading across the shit lake and reaching the island, I battled the undead horde using my two-handed broad sword until they were totally vanquished, at which point I bent Liz over and gave her one. At no point did I need to use Viagra.”

“Of course, this entire story is nothing more than a ludicrous fantasy.”

“Just like my ambitions of beating Jeremy Corbyn in this leadership election.”

UK News

Theresa May to embark on career in stand up comedy

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After her comedic success in Parliament, the Prime Minister is now considering a career in stand up comedy, it has been revealed.

Theresa May said: “My wooden delivery of a succession of low quality scripted jokes, when I should have been answering questions about serious issues such as poverty and housing, caused significant mirth and chortling from the toffs on the benches behind me.”

“However, it is possible that my Conservative colleagues were laughing instead at the thought of killing large numbers of disabled people, and plunging yet more children into poverty through our cruel austerity policies.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, whose fawning and uncritical coverage of Mrs. May has raised eyebrows in some quarters, described the PM’s performance as “a masterclass in batting away the trifling concerns of the undeserving poor, to focus on bigger issues like whether Jeremy Corbyn is a communist vampire antichrist and a traitor who will be the death of us all.”

Labour’s deputy leader Tom Watson was also impressed, saying: “I’ll support anything that makes Jeremy look bad, because I fucking hate him. His intention to improve the lives of the poor, the sick, the homeless, and even rail passengers is fucking disgusting.”

Mr Watson added: “Beware Jeremy Corbyn’s left wing mind control rays. Wear your aluminium foil hat at all times.”

UK News

David Davis announces creation of Ministry of Silly Talks

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

The government is to create a Ministry of Silly Talks, David Davis has announced.

The announcement was made near the end of a rambling and incoherent speech in which the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union also admitted there is no actual plan for exiting the European Union.

Mr Davis said: “The Ministry of Silly Talks will allow me to spout complete bullshit about a variety of topics, not just Brexit as is currently the case, and in a manner that allows the Prime Minister to avoid the embarrassment of having to repeatedly disown my idiotic statements as merely my ‘personal opinion'”.

On the subject of post-Brexit trade, the minister added: “We want all the trade! On all the terms! And none of the bits! And good things for us! And bad things for you!”

Mr Davis also threatened to repeal the act of Parliament that gives the United States of America its independence unless the UK goes to the front of the queue in trade negotiations, adding that Britain has an independent nuclear deterrent and wouldn’t hesitate to use it.

Brushing aside the legitimate concerns of the Japanese government about Brexit, the Secretary of State retorted: “Who needs Japan anyway.”

“All they have is sushi and vending machines selling school girl underwear. It’s not like they actually make cars; we do that in Sunderland.”

UK News

Labour could split unless it elects a leader with no integrity, says Owen Smith

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The Labour Party could split unless it elects a leader who is entirely without integrity, leadership challenger Owen Smith has suggested.

The former Pfizer lobbyist said: “There’s growing concern among Labour moderates about Jeremy Corbyn’s integrity, and how it makes them look bad. Some moderates are considering splitting and forming a new party over this issue, and they believe they have the public on their side.”

“Jeremy Corbyn won’t take money from Tory donors like Peter Hearn, who donated £75,000 to Yvette Cooper for her failed leadersip bid in 2015, and who recently gave  £12,500  to Dan Jarvis so he could go out and buy some ideas.”

“This poses a massive problem, because when a politician cannot be bought off and corrupted by the wealthy, they become unelectable and a threat to national security.”

“What Labour urgently needs is a leader without any integrity at all. Someone who will take money from anyone, and who will say anything to get elected. That someone could be me.”

“Vote for me, because I’m all the good bits of Jeremy Corbyn, without the bad things.”

“And unlike Jeremy, I’m ordinary. Very, very ordinary.”

UK News

Scientists and experts can f*** off, say Leave voters

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Scientists and experts will not be welcome in post-Brexit Britain, Leave voters have decided.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield, who still believes Brexit will be a success, said: “When a minority of the electorate voted for Britain to leave the European Union, the nation stuck two fingers up at experts and people who know things.”

“This country squanders far too much money on vanity projects and pointless research. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I believe this money could be better spent bombing other countries where brown people live, or researching how to keep the property market inflated to such an extent that the young will never be able to afford a house.”

“The sooner we can boot our lazy scientists off the EU gravy train the better. Let them get ordinary jobs, like a zero-hours contract at Sports Direct, where their education and training can go to waste.”

Leave campaigner and Michael Gove told the BBC: “The public have had enough of experts with their facts and rational thought.”

“What Britain wants is to be force-fed a seductive concoction of pure lies and hatred, and thereby be fooled into taking the monumentally stupid decision to leave the EU.”

“Now that we’ve cheated our way to victory in the referendum, the so-called ‘experts’ and ‘scientists’ just need to stop talking-down Britain with their cynical fact-mongering.”

“It doesn’t matter one iota that we’re wrecking the economy or destroying our capability to do world-leading scientific research.  Taking back control is simply worth so much more, and I am one hundred per cent sure that an independent UK will reap all kinds of intangible benefits that none of us are able to specify.”

However, scientists are fighting back against the anti-intellectualist dogma. Astrophysicist Prof. Stephen Hawking recently caused controversy when he called for the European Space Agency to launch Gove, Johnson and Farage into the Cygnus X-1 black hole, calling them ‘a non-virialised cluster of supermassive arseholes’.

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