Tag Archives: satire

Sun and Daily Mail could stop publishing fake news after crackdown by Facebook and Google

Several British tabloid newspapers, including the Sun,  the Daily Mail and the Daily Express have come under pressure from Facebook and Google to stop publishing fake news, it has emerged.

Daily Mail Columnist Katie Hopkins reacted angrily, telling listeners on LBC: “Were it not for the naked lies that the Mail, Express and others told during the EU referendum campaign, we would not be sitting here today planning for our glorious departure from the EU.”

“Outright racism and xenophobia would also not have become so socially acceptable as it is now thanks to the way certain heroic newspaper editors stoked fear and resentment towards foreigners and people who are not white British.”

“Surely we should be praising these patriotic newspapers and their staff, instead of trying to stop their foul lies from spreading all over social media like a virus?”

Sun editor Tony Gallagher was even more defiant: “At the Sun we haven’t actually published a factual story since 1983, and we have no intention of starting now.”

“If we’re forced to actually publish real stories and facts, how would we ever keep the working classes oppressed for our Tory masters?”

“An irrational fear of immigrants, Muslims and the EU is all that stands between the grossly unequal society of nightmares we have now, and a centre left paradise where wealth is much more fairly distributed and everybody has opportunities to succeed in life.”

Respect the democratic will of people who believed our outrageous lies, Brexiters demand

Everybody must now respect the democratic will of people who were sold a pack of outrageous lies about the benefits of leaving the EU, leading Brexiters have decided.

Speaking outside Parliament, David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June, the people voted for the pack of outrageous lies that I and others sold them. We must now respect the democratic will of the people who we scammed into voting to leave the EU, and anybody who fails to do so is clearly anti-democratic and an enemy of the people.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Like many people I want to leave the EU because I am xenophobic and do not like foreigners and non-whites moving to my provincial town, but to save face among my family and friends I needed to find some rational-sounding reasons to vote Leave.”

“Thankfully, Boris and an assortment of other alleged criminals helpfully provided a number of transparent lies that would give racists like me the plausible deniability we needed.”

“Just because the case for leaving the EU was composed entirely of lies, the government should still go through with this purely ideological and hugely destructive constitutional change. This is what democracy is all about.”

I love my life as a dickhead, announces Nigel Farage

Nigel Farage genuinely loves his life as a dickhead, it has emerged.

Speaking to the BBC’s Andrew Marr, Mr Farage said: “I never thought I’d live to become such a dickhead, but I’ve surpassed all expectations and done it.”

“When I stood with President Elect Donald Trump in that gold plated lift, that’s when it hit me. That’s when I realised that I’m now the world’s second most famous fascist politician alive.”

“I really love my life as a dickhead. And all my friends are dickheads too. To all the patriotic viewers at home watching this I say, come with me, let’s all be dickheads together and wreck the country by implementing our childlike ideas.”

After Marr declared his heartfelt desire to see right wing evil triumph, Farage said: “Thank you for giving a platform to my sinister far right views, Andrew, while mercilessly attacking the left at every opportunity.”

“I fully support your crusade to smear all those traitors who have the audacity to want to improve the lives of ordinary citizens, even people who are poor or not of white British stock.”

* This post includes quotes from Reuben Dangoor’s hit song ‘Being a Dickhead’s Cool’.

Tories abandon snap election plan after realising they’ve run out of lies to put in manifesto

The Conservative Party has abandoned plans for a snap general election after realising they’ve run out of lies to put in the manifesto, it has emerged.

An anonymous minister said: “The PM was totally up for a snap general election, as this would have given her a clear mandate to attack the poorest and most vulnerable in society in ways that would have made even Margaret Thatcher blush.”

“However, it was quickly recognised that we have in fact used up all possible lies during the 2015 general election manifesto and the EU referendum campaign.”

The former mayor of London continued: “Faced with the prospect of having to create a truthful election manifesto outlining all the evil plans our party has to destroy the lives of the little people, the Cabinet was in unanimous agreement that the idea for a snap election should be shelved until our team of spin doctors are able to concoct new lies to hoodwink the people into voting Conservative against their best interests.”

“One of my ministerial colleagues argued that people are ready to know the truth about how we plan to liquidate the NHS and starve the poor.”

“But Theresa felt it would be safer to wait, and then go down the customary route of producing a manifesto composed entirely of lies, only for it to be disowned and deleted from our webpages the day after the election.”

Michael Gove wins Conservative Parent of the Year

Michael Gove has been awarded Conservative Parent of the Year, it has been announced.

Accepting the trophy at a London bash sponsored by The Sun, Mr Gove said: “It is a great honour to receive this award in recognition of my commitment to extremely poor parenting, and sometimes outright child neglect.”

“We believe in teaching our children to be self sufficient and stand on their own two feet while my wife and I go to late night parties, returning home in the early hours.”

“This trophy which will have pride of place on our mantlepiece alongside various other awards, including lying Tory scrote of the year and backstabbing shit of the year.”

“It’s only a quarter past one in the morning, so the night is still young. My wife and I will now proceed to eat caviar and quaff Champagne for several additional carefree hours, while the child we have abandoned in the hotel room anxiously awaits our return.”

World definitely fucked now, experts confirm

The world is now definitely totally fucked now, experts have confirmed.

Professor Chris Bumfield from the Idiocracy Research Institute said: “Our extensive scientific research into the human condition has revealed that the majority of people in every country are stupid, and are doomed to repeat the terrible mistakes of our forefathers, such as electing right wing, racist dickheads to run their country into the ground.”

“Thus, our inescapable conclusion is that the entire world is definitely totally fucked, for all eternity.”

However, not everybody agrees with this conclusion.

British fascist figurehead Nigel Farage, speaking from the head of a combined force of English Defence League and British National Party militants, said: “I congratulate the American people for ignoring all the evidence and all the experts, to elect my good friend Donald Trump to the position of fuhrer for life.”

A spokesman from the Trump campaign said: “The president-elect is eager to get started with all his childlike plans to fuck the US economy, to build that massive wall, and maybe also invade Canada.”

Not wearing a poppy to become a terrorist offence

Not wearing a poppy in the run up to Armistice Day on 11 November is to be made a terrorist offence, the government has confirmed.

The announcement comes as a tidal wave of post-referendum Poppy-fascism threatens to tear the country apart, with TV presenters and public figures in particular being targeted for abuse if they ‘disrespect our boys’ by not wearing a poppy at all times.

A spokesperson for dictator May said: “The referendum result on the 23rd of June was decisive and gave a mandate to change our system of government to a combination of mob rule and dictatorship.”

“In order to fulfill the clear wishes of the 17 million people who voted for this, the government hereby gives notice that it will criminalise everything that displeases the racist pensioners and fascist yobs from whom the beloved dictator derives her mandate.”

“The first act to be decreed a terrorist offence will be not wearing a poppy in public at all times between 7 and 11 November, inclusive.”

“Punishment will be decided by a mob of Daily Mail readers, who will be permitted to send offenders to a G4S prison camp along with foreigners, remain voters and Prince Harry’s mixed race girlfriend.”

Farage to march on Westminster with army of racist pensioners unless demands met

Acting Fuhrer of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has threatened to march on Westminster at the head of a million-strong army of pensioners, unless all his demands are met.

Speaking to a thronging crowd of yobs and pensioners in Taunton town centre, Mr Farage said: “A minority of people voted to leave the evil empire of freedom and prosperity that is the EU, and now we must enforce our righteous fascist will on the majority of Britons who do not agree with our views.”

Waiting for the cheering and applause to subside, the fuhrer waved aloft a non-ISO sized sheet of paper and continued: “I have here a list of one hundred and forty-seven demands that the government must meet in order to make Britain great again, according to the mandate given to me personally on the twenty-third of June.”

“If my patriotic demands are not met in full, I will raise a million-strong army of yobs and racist pensioners, and we’ll march on the Palace of Westminster to enforce the transition from democracy to fascism, or national socialism as I prefer to call it.”

“We are good, peaceful people who do not hold a grudge, and that is why en route to London we will be sacking all towns and neighbourhoods which voted Remain.”

Tory activists to name and shame MPs who voted against benefit cuts

Conservative Party activists are about to launch a campaign to name and shame MPs who did not vote for cuts in disability benefits, it has emerged.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Tory MP said: “Our cruel policy of hounding the sick and disabled to an early grave was clearly mandated by our general election victories, so it is extremely disappointing to see myself and other parliamentary colleagues being named and shamed for our egregious voting records and excessive expense claims.”

“It’s time for our party to fight back against the treasonous spreading of facts and truths on social media. And that is why some of our nastiest activists will be generating memes of our own, which will be posted on social media, and which will name and shame MPs and public figures who we feel have not done enough to hurt the most vulnerable in society.”

“I am still immensely proud of my record as Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, and I consider myself to be one of the greatest heroes in British history.”

The former minister added: “We used to be known as ‘the nasty party’, but now we’re just ‘the nazi party’.”

BREAKING: UKIP urges Britons to build bonfires out of books that displease the Fuhrer

The United Kingdom Independence Party is urging all patriotic Britons to build bonfires out of books that displease the Fuhrer, it has emerged.

UKIP leadership contender mused: “The best way to protect our fascist values and win more votes is to encourage widespread ignorance among the populace.”

“Although we will soon be sending UKIP activists into infant schools and maternity units around the country to get kids brainwashed from an early age, we must also start an urgent programme to vet all books and burn those books that displease the Fuhrer.”

“Books for children which depict positive and fulfilling friendships between Britons and foreigners are particularly offensive, and will be among the first to go.”

“Today [5th of November] would be an especially good day to get started with our proposed patriotic book burnings. Therefore, I urge all unthinking Britons to immediately raid their book shelves and local libraries, and build their bonfires out of books from our list of proscribed works.”

However, UKIP party grandees have been unable to agree on whether George Orwell’s 1984 should be burned as a heretical work of anti-British treachery, or permitted for use as an instruction manual for UKIP activists.

Acting Fuhrer Nigel Farage said: “I have nothing but praise for this visionary initiative from my UKIP colleague, and I hope the country will soon be in a position to transition from burning books, to burning people.”