Tag Archives: satire

UK News

Tories still best at managing economy, says man whose life the Tories recently ruined

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The Tories are still the best people to manage the economy, according to a man whose life has just been ruined by the Tories.

Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “Despite causing year upon year of economic chaos which has resulted a substantial decrease in my standard of living, I still believe the Tories are the best at managing the economy because it’s something people say a lot.”

“And now that the Conservatives’ civil war over Europe led to the people voting to leave the EU against their own interests, we are experiencing yet another Tory omnishambles in the form of Brexit.”

“At first I thought the Tories were to blame for what they’ve done to this country, but thankfully the Daily Mail was there to inform me that none of the bad things that have happened since the referendum have anything to do with Brexit.”

“No, everything is the fault of remainers, or ‘remoaners’ as I like to call them (tee hee hee), and traitorous economists who refuse to think positive about Brexit and the incredible opportunities it presents for this now great country.

“Yes, it’s their fault but it’s nothing to do with Brexit.”

An anonymous Conservative told Newscrasher: “Our party has always done a fantastic job of managing the economy for the sole benefit of high net worth individuals who don’t like paying tax, while trying our hardest to make poor people’s lives as shit as possible.”

“The Brexit shitstorm provides the perfect camouflage for my party to push through all the hard right policies that Thatcher wanted to get done but was to scared to try. A mere two years from now there will be no welfare state except for pensioners, no NHS except for pensioners, and parents will be forced to pay thousands of pounds a year to send their children to a state school.”

“And the right wing media like the Sun and BBC will be there to brainwash enough of the poor into supporting it all.”

UK News

Blair rules out return to frontline politics after realising he is a massive twat

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Tony Blair has ruled out making a return to frontline politics after realising that he is in fact a massive twat, the former prime minister has announced.

“Having successfully spread democracy to Iraq and the rest of the Middle East, I believed I would receive a hero’s welcome on my return to UK politics, but to my surprise it appears that I am almost universally despised.”

“Have I not killed enough foreigners, including many women and children, to be considered a great war hero by the public in this brave, new fascist Britain?”

“And then it dawned on me. Not only am I a war criminal who took the UK into war on a lie, with disastrous consequences, but I am also a massive twat.”

“And this is why today I announce that I will abandon my plan to return to frontline politics. I had been planning to help Tom Watson and his co-conspirators in their crusade against Jeremy Corbyn and the membership of the party, but I think I’ll just go somewhere else and enjoy the immense wealth I have accumulated thanks to the leaders of a number of totalitarian dictatorships.”

Image Credit: K Singh.

UK News

Only Sun and BBC should publish fake news, Labour’s Tom Watson argues

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Only right-leaning media which are owned or controlled by Tories should be allowed to publish ‘fake news’, Labour’s Tom Watson has argued.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Deputy Labour Leader Tom Watson complained: “The internet and social media in particular have opened up frightening new possibilities for left wing people to share left wing opinions to a large audience, in direct competition to this country’s cherished right wing media outlets like the Sun, the Daily Mail, or the BBC.”

“In the past, people like me enjoyed relative freedom from criticism in the media as long as we didn’t do anything radical like try to help people who are poor. That kind of thing tends to anger rich media barons like Rupert Murdoch.”

“Unfortunately, there are now a number of left leaning news websites which support antichrist vampire Jeremy Corbyn, and if that isn’t bad enough, they have been willing to expose my scheme to ensure the Labour under Corbyn is disunited and unable to mount any serious opposition to the government.”

Mr. Watson continued: “Websites such as The Canary or Evolve Politics have been particularly effective at challenging our right wing narrative. Although these websites are far more truthful than the Sun or Mail, my crony Michael Dugher is going to brand them ‘fake news’ sites in an attempt to discredit them. Of course, in a sense they are fake news because they support Jeremy Corbyn and not me.”

Micheal Dugher, who is tasked with leading a crusade against left wing independent media, also said: “It would be great if we could have them all banned, along with satire sites too. More often than now, they are worryingly close to the truth and are damaging my faction’s repeated attempts to overthrow Jeremy Corbyn, who has repeatedly failed to acknowledge Tom’s decree that this is a right wing party now.”

“I wish we could just uninvent the internet and go back to the days when people had no choice but to believe the outright lies published by right wing media Barons like Rupert Murdoch.”

This story is, of course, satirical.

UK News

Twat who urged ‘take back control’ is now OK with foreign leader choosing our ambassadors

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By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

A Twat who urged British voters to ‘take back control’ from foreign politicians is now perfectly OK with a foreign leader choosing our ambassadors, it has emerged.

Ranting on Twitter, Nigel Farage said: “In voting to leave the EU the British people decided to take back control from foreign governments. I now call on the British government to listen to the president elect of America and immediately appoint me ambassador.”

“I believe that my stunning hypocrisy is justified by the fact that I would definitely be the greatest fascist ambassador in the history of this country.”

“Failing that, I think I should be made prime minister, again by presidential decree.”

“I am definitely not in the pay of  foreign power, especially not Russia. Definitely not. There is absolutely no evidence to back that up. And those EU expenses were merely resting in our account.”

UK News

Nigel Farage complains this would never have been allowed under the Nazis

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Acting fuhrer of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has reacted angrily after the British government refused his ‘entirely reasonable’ demand to be appointed British ambassador to the USA, it has emerged.

Tweeting on Twitter, Mr Farage said: “This is an outrage which would never have been allowed to happen under the Nazis.”

Writing on a far-right website, the alleged fraudster went into more detail: “I’ve spent most of my political career stoking hatred and resentment against foreigners and the EU, and all I ask in return is to be given a position that will allow me to spread my bigoted views even more widely. Is that too much to ask?”

“As ambassador, I could work wonders for the people of Britain by advancing the cause of fascism at home, and also in our close ally the United States.”

“Now that the survivors of the world’s last big experiment with fascism are almost gone, and their ungrateful kid are now calling the shots, I think this is probably a good time to give Nazism, death camps and total war another shot.”

UK News

NHS needs to be much more racist, government officials confirm

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The National Health Service needs to become a lot more racist in the way it deals with its patients, government officials have announced.

It is understood that hospital staff will be required by law to demand proof of Britishness before treatment is given, with evaluations being conducted at huge expense by mercenary nurses supplied by Atos or G4S. If a valid British passport with at least 6 months before expiry cannot be provided, the patient will be asked to fill a 12 page questionnaire about the benefits of Brexit.

A senior figure from the Department of Health said: “Health tourism is an insignificant problem that has been blown out of proportion by the press, but it does offers an excellent excuse to introduce systems for identity checks and patient charging into our hospitals.”

“To avoid alerting the general populace to our intentions, initially only ‘bad’ foreigners will face a charges NHS treatment. However, once Jeremy Hunt’s dastardly plan to defund the NHS has taken its toll, we think the public will accept the introduction of a ‘sickness penalty tax’, to be levied on everyone who needs NHS treatment and whose earnings are below the widely accepted scrounger/striver threshold of £100,000 a year.”

“Our objective is to make the NHS a lot fairer to rich people who resent that a small fraction of the tax they pay goes to fund socialised healthcare provision for people who are less wealthy than they are.”

Medical professionals are not impressed, however. One NHS doctor told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Hunt is living proof that the human body can survive for extended periods without a brain. I’m actually preparing an article for publication in The Lancet about this.”

UK News

BBC declares war on Stewart Lee and other comedians who criticise Tories

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The BBC has declared war on Stewart Lee and other comedians who’ve had the audacity to criticise the Tories, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for the BBC told Newscrasher: “The BBC has a moral and legal obligation to support the Conservative government in their heroic war against the poor and vulnerable.”

“And that is why we are systematically censoring comedians who expose the evil behaviour of the Tories, but do not provide balance by calling Jeremy Corbyn a dangerous antichrist vampire far more frequently.”

“In the coming weeks, we will hold talks with government ministers to decide which comedians are failing in their moral duty to criticise Labour all of the time, and which ones are not turning enough of a blind eye to the massive scandals, corruption and illegal behaviour of the Tories.”

“We’ve already canceled Bafta Award winner Stewart Lee’s show, ostensibly because we wanted to do a remake of Porridge instead, but the real reason is he used satire to expose and ridicule the right all too effectively.”

“And Charlie Brooker’s hugely popular Weekly Wipe has also been canned because he picked up on how the BBC and other broadcasters have tried to smear Jeremy Corbyn.”

“By canceling such shows, we hope to free up resources that can be better put to use by producing an even greater number of the totally shit programmes that Baby Boomers watch, or by making Question Time even more biased.”

“And it goes without saying that we are dead serious about helping the Tories establish their 100 year Reich, by preventing dissenting views from being aired.”

Speaking out against this kind of nonsense, Stewart Lee wrote (in the Guardian): “Essentially, while I am allowed to exaggerate for comic effect (if it is considered by the lawyers that the exaggeration is obvious and clearly authored by an unreliable and biased character, ie me), I am not allowed actively to lie. And it struck me as strange, as I watched the eggs rain down on Conservatives this month, that my standup comedian’s lowly standup comedy routines are held accountable to higher legal standards of truth and decency than, for example, a prime minister’s conference speech.”

“Cameron’s repeated smearing of Corbyn in Manchester, for supposedly saying 9/11 was not a tragedy, when he obviously did the complete opposite, is the case in point. Paradoxically, while the BBC can broadcast Cameron’s lying speech in full, without any critical analysis or disclaimers, if I had written the same comments in a standup comedy routine the lawyers would tell me it could not be transmitted.”

When asked whether the BBC will apply this new policy to their news and current affairs output, the spokesman laughed in our reporter’s face, and said: “Ironically, here at the BBC we actually demand a higher standard of truthfulness from comedians and satirists than our own political editors like Laura Kuenssberg adhere to. So fuck you.”

UK News

BBC pretends it is unfamiliar with concept of fake news

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The BBC honestly had no idea until now that fake news can be a powerful tool to manipulate public opinion, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for the formerly objective media outlet told Newscrasher: “In all honesty, we had no idea at all that carefully crafted fake news stories, when published by an ostensibly objective media outlet like the BBC, can sway public opinion to vote a bunch of fascists into power.”

“To feign surprise we’ll probably just run a couple of stories about online satirical news publishers like News Thump, the Daily Mash or News Crasher, to direct attention away from mainstream fake news outlets like the Daily Mail, the Sun, or the BBC, all of whom regularly publish fake news designed hoodwink the public into voting against their own self interest.”

“The pro-Conservative, pro-Brexit bias we inject into our output is purely coincidental, of course, and is nothing to do with the large number of Tories who work here at the BBC.”

“The only plausible explanation we can think of right now is that immigrants, Jeremy Corbyn and the European Union are to blame for this bias, just as they are the cause of everything bad ever.”

UK News

Family of freeloaders to be given an even larger sum of free money

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A family of super rich freeloaders are to receive even more free money than they get already, the Tories have announced.

A government spokesman said: “Thanks to savings made by snatching money from the poor, the government can now afford to give a massive amount of extra cash to the Royal Family.”

“The government takes very seriously its responsibility to ensure everybody lives somewhere which is fit for human habitation, unless of course you are a tenant of one of the many buy-to-let Tory MPs, in which case fuck you.”

“Today we can announce a new initiative which will allow us to pretend to be some kind of workers’ party. Our plan is to repair substandard housing with funds from the taxpayer, so that no family will ever again have to live in slum conditions, with a leaking roof, or with dodgy electrics.”

“However, as there isn’t the money to repair all the houses in the country, we have no choice but to initiate this with a staggered roll-out, starting with the richest and therefore the most deserving people in society.”

Iain Duncan Smith added: “I spoke to some poor people this morning, and all of them agreed that their poverty, starvation and possible death due to benefit cuts is definitely worth it now they know their money is going to a good cause such as the Royal Family.”

“It doesn’t matter that they were all paid actors, because in this post-truth world I have the right to just invent any facts I want and claim they are real.”

UK News

Now let’s achieve 100% thought-crime conviction rate, says Theresa May

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Theresa May has issued a plea for Parliament and the security services to help her to achieve a 100 per cent conviction rate for all types of thought-crime, it has emerged.

Speaking outside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister said: “As I tighten my openly dictatorial grip on the reins of power, it is essential that government agents working in the shadows are given the tools they need to snoop on everybody’s online activity.”

“Because of the political turmoil I have helped to induce, these are turbulent times. And to defend the will of the people and the far right revolution as embodied by me, it is essential that crack down on all enemies of the people.”

“So to the security services, to Parliament, and to patriotic right-wing members of the public, I say this. Let us boldly try to raise the thought-crime conviction rate to 100 per cent, or even higher if we can, to ensure Brexit Britain becomes a story of titanic success.”

“Unfortunately, gone are the days when people could only get their fake news and comment from a newspaper owned by a high net worth individual like Rupert Murdoch, or from a state-regulated television channel like the BBC.”

“And we now face the spectre of deplorably unbiased or left wing news being made freely available to anybody with a social media account, which poses a serious and existential threat to the established natural order of Tory hegemony over this country.”

“We know that many unpatriotic individuals are already committing serious thought crimes on a daily basis. Often, this goes beyond something as simple as sharing one of NewsThump’s satirical news story about me, which itself is a powerful gateway to radicalisation, and can turn into outright extremism such as plotting the overthrow of my cruel dictatorship using the ballot box.”