David Cameron’s description of himself as “fantastically corrupt” has been branded “unfair” and “embarrassing” by leaders of Nigeria and Afghanistan, both of whom claim to be at least 50 per cent more corrupt than Mr Cameron.

The Prime Minister was caught on camera making the unflattering remark about himself during a conversation with the Queen ahead of an ironic anti-corruption summit he is hosting in London.

Later that day, a spokesman for the David Cameron told reporters: “The Prime Minister is fiercely proud of his record of global corruption and tax dodging, and believes his expertise in this area is second to none.”

“David considers corruption to be ‘fantastic’ only in the sense that it allows unscrupulous elected officials to covertly generate fantastic levels of personal wealth, which until recently could be easily hidden in offshore tax avoidance schemes in tax havens such as Panama.”

“However, the Prime Minister wishes to clarify that any corruption he may be suspected of, be this now in the future, has been carried out purely for research purposes, and the money is merely resting in his offshore accounts.”

Jesus Christ would agree with the cruel austerity policies of the Conservative Government, Stephen Crabb has claimed.

Speaking during David Cameron’s international conference on ‘How to Increase the Suffering of the Poorest in Society While Pretending to Make the World a Better Place’, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “Our Lord Jesus Christ would totally have given approval to our government’s vindictive austerity policies.”

“Jesus himself lived without possessions, setting an example of austerity which we are now trying to impose on the working poor and the unemployed, much to their detriment.”

“Among the most relevant messages in the Bible is how God created us sick and commanded us to be well, much like the Fitness to Work assessments which have seen the severely ill and disabled commanded to heal themselves or regrow missing limbs, under threat of sanctions, starvation and certain death.”

“Jesus showed us there is virtue in suffering and starvation, for at the end of his life Christ was hounded by the authorities, before being tortured to death by cruel government officials. Much like my Government Department is trying to do to the poor, vulnerable and disabled in Britain today.”

In the wake of the removal of 38 Degrees’ online petition for the sacking of Laura Kuenssberg over excessive pro-Tory bias, here at Newscrasher we thought it would be timely to conduct a poll. Should Laura Kuenssberg be sacked by the BBC and prosecuted?

Labour’s Ben Bradshaw has argued that it is totally acceptable for the BBC to be extremely biased against Labour, because it damages party leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Speaking to Newscrasher last night, the Blairite  Member of Parliament for Exeter said: “I’m intensely relaxed about the huge pro-government bias in the BBC’s political and news coverage, because it does significant harm to Jeremy Corbyn.”

“This is a man with highly dangerous ideas about properly funded public services and making the rich pay their fair share of tax, which are just two of the hard left ideas Labour needs to reject if it wants to become a second Tory party, like we were during the Blair years.”

Mr Bradshaw continued: “Jeremy Corbyn is just too principled, and as such is getting in the way of those of us who stand for nothing except election. As a career politician with little interest in making the country work better for the poor and vulnerable, I’m hoping that through a combination of BBC bias and Blairite treachery, we will soon oust Corbyn and seize control of the party from the ill-advised Trots and Communists who oppose Tory austerity and the dismantling of the NHS.”

When asked whether Jeemy Corbyn should be given credit for Labour’s performance in the London and local elections, he said: “Labour’s good performance in local elections last week was all down to me, Ben Bradshaw, and had nothing whatsoever to do with Jeremy Corbyn. However, had Labour not done very well then I would have totally blamed it all on Jeremy.”

As the row over alleged pro-Conservative bias at the BBC continues, Chief Political Editor Laura Kuenssberg has responded to criticism by suggesting her critics are ‘trying to overthrow the government’ and ‘may be antisemitic’.

Mrs. Kuenssberg’s comments come amid mounting pressure for her to be sacked by the BBC, over the hard-right political bias she is alleged to have imposed on the BBC’s news and political programming.

Speaking to the Sun yesterday, Kuenssberg said: “To call for the sacking of the Chief Political Editor of the state broadcaster, who is also a close friend of Prime Minister David Cameron, is tantamount to trying to overthrow the government. Because I am a women, it is also sexist. And it may also be antisemitic as well.”

“I strongly deny all accusations of systematic bias in support of the Conservative Government. As evidence of my impartiality, I would like to remind people that I have repeatedly singled out Jeremy Corbyn for criticism, often magnifying very minor issues into supposedly major problems, while ignoring much larger scandals involving the Tories. This, I believe shows I have always acted with utmost integrity and without any political bias whatsoever.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg has been awarded a BAFTA for best actress, in recognition of her highly realistic portrayal of a BBC political editor who has zero professional integrity.

Because many BAFTA winners were expected to use their acceptance speeches to criticise the Tories and the strong pro-government bias of the BBC, the Prime Minister ordered the BBC to mute the microphone for all recipients except for Laura Kuenssberg, to whose speech the BBC was ordered to allocate a full 2 hours.

As expected, Mrs. Kuenssberg used her speech to praise her personal heroes David Cameron and John Mann, but the majority of her speech was spent ‘in character’ attacking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn for things that aren’t actually true.

“David Cameron asked me to say that Jeremy Corbyn is a threat to national security, not just because he’s radicalising people into voting, but also because he’s radicalising people into voting against the democratically elected Conservative government.”

“As a hard-core right winger, I believe that lifting people out of poverty, including children, is dangerous and puts British lives at risk through an increased threat of terrorism from extremists, some of whom Jeremy has shared a platform in any number of railway or tube stations.”

“Jeremy needs to accept the democratic will of the people who have chosen perpetual Conservative rule after a barrage of lies, dirty tricks and naked propaganda from the right wing press.”

The BBC is nowhere near biased enough towards the Conservative Party, a Government minister has today claimed.

Speaking to shameless Tory hack Laura Kuenssberg, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport John Whittingdale said: “I am of course disappointed with the election result, and I blame the BBC for not being biased enough towards the Conservative Party. The BBC should have responded to the will of the people by becoming a Conservative propaganda machine, because let us not forget the people overwhelmingly support my party and its merciless crusade against the poor and disabled.”

Laura Kuenssberg added: “The Conservatives have had an incredibly tough job to do, as they continue to implement their heroic programme of asset-stripping the poor for the benefit of the wealthy.”

“Voters are being deliberately radicalised by terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn, and by choosing Labour they are voting to overthrow the democratically elected Conservative government.”

Accusations of antisemitism have been successfully weaponised and can be launched within 45 minutes of today’s election results, Labour’s Blairite faction has announced.

The announcement was published as part of a briefing dossier titled ‘Corbyn – Unelectability, Antisemitism, and the Futility of Resisting Tory Austerity‘ which was issued to journalists yesterday, and which is understood to have been co-authored by a number of prominent Blairites including John Mann and Hilary Benn.

The document also includes a foreword by former Prime Minister Tony Blair, in which he outlines his desire for the Labour Party to enjoy the same fruits of undemocratic regime change as the people of Iraq are now enjoying.

Audibly hoarse after a full day of shouting accusations at his fellow Labour MPs, late last night John Mann told Newscrasher: “I’m proud to say we Blairites have succeeded in weaponising antisemitism, and can have it ready to launch against Jeremy Corbyn within 45 minutes of the results of the local government elections.”

Striking school children aged 6 and 7 are ‘trying to overthrow the government’ and ‘may be terrorist sympathisers and antisemitic’, according to Secretary of State for Education Nicky Morgan.

Mrs. Morgan, who originally hailed the introduction of SAT exams for 6 and 7 year olds as “a golden opportunity to harm the education prospects of children whose parents cannot afford private schooling”, is said to be disappointed at the lack of enthusiasm for her ill-thought out policy from parents earning less than £300,000 a year.

One parent told us: “The ineptitude of this government is staggering, it’s even got 6 year olds to go on strike.”

Another concerned parent said: “Although technically illegal, I would much prefer my daughter to miss a day of school than have her sit the SAT exam. At the age of 6, it really is too early to awaken children to the excruciating reality that their entire working life will be spent slaving away in a nondescript office somewhere near Slough, for a boss who is stupendously stupid and an utter twat.”

But Mrs Morgan has hit back at critics, saying: “Parents who oppose my shambolic education policies are radicalising their children, who as a result are harbouring antisemitic and terrorist sympathies and are trying to overthrow the government.”

“I would like to remind 6 and 7 year olds up and down the country, who appear to believe they can defy me, that this Government was elected democratically and our electoral fraud was confined to just the small number of marginal seats that we needed to secure an outright majority.”

The BBC’s chief political editor Laura Kuenssberg has waded into the ongoing row over pro-government bias by claiming it is only right to overplay relatively minor problems in the Labour Party, and to downplay the numerous major scandals currently engulfing the Conservatives.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the former Conservative Journalist of the Year said: “The problem is that Jeremy Corbyn wants to protect the NHS and improve the lives of the poor and vulnerable, but as a staunch conservative I would prefer to see the NHS in ruins, and people who are feckless enough to be sick or disabled forced into slavery at Poundland.”

“When David Cameron decreed that asset stripping the poor and letting them starve to death is now the true centre-ground of British politics, with the tacit agreement of the Blairite faction of Labour, he effectively gave the BBC a green light to abandon the last vestiges of impartiality and train all guns on Jeremy Corbyn, who clearly sympathises with anti-semites and terrorists.”

“Not content with suggesting that the wealthy should pay their fair share of tax, Corbyn is also unable to bow at the correct angle, likes to steal sandwiches from war veterans, and shares some of the same ideals as Hitler, such as being vegetarian.”

“That is why I have cynically abused my position as the BBC’s chief political editor to push a highly partisan political agenda through our erstwhile impartial public broadcaster, the global reputation of which I have now all but ruined.”