So-called ‘fake news’ was never a problem back in the old days when only we did it, the Conservatives have announced.

The Prime Minister said: “Fake news has been around for centuries, and my party has used it with great effectiveness to fool the public into electing us against their own self interests.”

“However, we have recently begun to lose control of the narrative, largely because the public now have a greater choice over where to obtain their information, and also because people have become sick and tired of blatant lies peddled on our behalf by the traditional news media.”

“This loss of control represents a major issue of national security, primarily because it makes it more likely that the public will vote for a left wing government that will run the country for the many, rather than for the rich elite who are fund Brexit and the Conservative Party.”

“By national security, I mean the financial security of the rich elite and the preservation of their divine right to enjoy the fruits of other people’s labour, while maintaining the little people in ever deepening poverty.”

“My husband works for a hedge fund and we are quite wealthy, but if Labour get in he’ll have to pay a bit more in tax and that will impact on my ability to spend a grand on a pair of leather trousers, or buy designer dresses that make me look like a novelty cushion.”

“The only way to respect the will of the people and make Britain great again is to prevent the public from having free access to information on social media, and return to the good old days when the Sun and Daily Mail were the accepted as having privileged access to the truth, and when the public were not too enlightened to listen to the right-wing ravings of those shit rags.”