Tag Archives: owen smith

I wanted to challenge Corbyn but feared looking an arsehole, says Owen Smith

I wanted to launch a leadership challenge against Jeremy Corbyn but was afraid of looking like an arsehole, Owen Smith has announced.

The Labour MP for Pontypridd said: “Ever since I pulled the girl who became my wife, and without the use of Viagra I must add, I have coveted the leadership of the Labour Party. However, fear of looking like an arsehole kept me from making a challenge myself.”

“But thanks to Angela’s heroic and well timed leadership challenge in an empty room, I was able to run for the leadership without looking like a complete bastard of a backstabber.”

“Even though my allies on the Labour NEC are busy purging likely Corbyn voters for various spurious thought-crimes, it is possible that I still might not win.”

“Therefore, I echo Tom Watson’s call for the leadership vote to be considered advisory only, which would then allow Iain McNicol to take the final, legally binding decision.”

“I also fully agree with Tom’s visionary proposal to give each and every Blairite MP one hundred thousand votes each, as a counterbalance against the large number of left wing voters whose lives have been ruined by successive Tory and right wing Labour governments.”

“We really must prevent lifelong Labour members, some of whom have been in the party or voting labour for several decades, from seizing power away from right wing entryists like Tom Watson, Angela Eagle or me.”

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Labour should consider expelling anyone who might not vote for me, says Owen Smith

Owen Smith has suggested that Labour’s National Executive Committee should consider expelling any party members who it is suspected might not vote for him.

The embattled leadership candidate said: “What troubles me is that Labour has a party within a party. And I don’t mean the Thatcherite entryist group called Progress, because right wing entryists are totally harmless, what with being relaxed about privatisation and the accumulation of extreme wealth.”

“The real problem is that there are all these long-term entryists who have Labour and left wing values and they might not vote for me. All of them are double plus bad and are basically the same as the Militant Tendency from the 1980s.”

When asked about the possibility of banning Momentum from Labour, Mr Smith said: “I think the NEC should look at banning them if it would give me a better chance of winning the leadership contest, because despite my excellent and sometimes sexist banter, I’m currently not on course to win.”

“It’s quite terrifying to think that many of the entryists have been members of Labour even longer than me, such as the 93 year old war veteran Harry Leslie Smith. In some cases, we also have teenagers who have joined a party for the first time, but who are evil little bastards because a few years ago they tweeted some kind of agreement with a tweet from the Green party.”

“Some of these lifelong infiltrators seem to be acting like terrorist sleeper cells, patiently paying their membership fees for decades, just so they can be ready to vote against me in the 2016 leadership race, as well as all nine of the leadership challenges we’ve got planned for 2017.”

But Smith was upbeat about the medicine that he believes the Party needs: “Like the NHS and the few remaining public services that the brave Tories have not yet got round to flogging to their friends, Momentum is a cancer that must be eliminated. And I am the cure that needs to be forced down the party’s throat while pinned down by a pair of hospital orderlies.”

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Owen Smith: I waded through faeces and fought the undead to obtain my wife

I waded through neck-high shit and then vanquished an army of 10,000 undead to secure my wife’s hand in marriage, and this definitely proves I have leadership potential, Owen Smith has claimed.

The labour leadership contender said: “It was 30 years ago this week. Singer Sinitta was in the music charts and a new television drama called Casualty was starting.”

“As a completely normal A-level student keen to prove my party political leadership skills, I set off on a quest to pull one of the few females in the school.”

“Unfortunately, Liz was trapped on a small island in the middle of a lake of shit, garrisoned by around 10,000 undead warriors.”

In hindsight, I think they may have been that mythical horde of antisemitic Jeremy Corbyn supporters that the right of the party like to talk about.

“I initially considered building a raft from my extensive collection of Loaded magazines, but I decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to soil my wank material.”

“After wading across the shit lake and reaching the island, I battled the undead horde using my two-handed broad sword until they were totally vanquished, at which point I bent Liz over and gave her one. At no point did I need to use Viagra.”

“Of course, this entire story is nothing more than a ludicrous fantasy.”

“Just like my ambitions of beating Jeremy Corbyn in this leadership election.”

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Labour could split unless it elects a leader with no integrity, says Owen Smith

The Labour Party could split unless it elects a leader who is entirely without integrity, leadership challenger Owen Smith has suggested.

The former Pfizer lobbyist said: “There’s growing concern among Labour moderates about Jeremy Corbyn’s integrity, and how it makes them look bad. Some moderates are considering splitting and forming a new party over this issue, and they believe they have the public on their side.”

“Jeremy Corbyn won’t take money from Tory donors like Peter Hearn, who donated £75,000 to Yvette Cooper for her failed leadersip bid in 2015, and who recently gave  £12,500  to Dan Jarvis so he could go out and buy some ideas.”

“This poses a massive problem, because when a politician cannot be bought off and corrupted by the wealthy, they become unelectable and a threat to national security.”

“What Labour urgently needs is a leader without any integrity at all. Someone who will take money from anyone, and who will say anything to get elected. That someone could be me.”

“Vote for me, because I’m all the good bits of Jeremy Corbyn, without the bad things.”

“And unlike Jeremy, I’m ordinary. Very, very ordinary.”

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Owen Smith slams Jeremy Corbyn for ‘weaponising train floors’

Owen Smith has criticised Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn for ‘weaponising the sitting on train floors’, it has emerged.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, Smith said: “We all know the UK rail system is in trouble, and that is why I have stolen Jeremy’s plan for rail nationalisation along with a number of other popular policies.”

“However, the way Jeremy has weaponised the act of sitting on train floors is despicable.”

“Surely it would have been more prime-ministerial to use taxpayers’ money to upgrade to first class, or better still to hire a limousine for his long distance journey”, Smith suggested.

“This is just a crude attempt to make careerists like me look bad.”

“Just because I claimed £46,709.11 in expenses for the 2015/2016 parliamentary year, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m intentionally ripping off the taxpayer, although my secret plans to privatise the NHS definitely will.”

The leadership challenger added: “People should vote for me because unlike Jeremy, I do know who Ant and Dec are.”

Then, reading off a prompt card held up by a spin doctor, Smith delcared: “I’m their number one fan, having followed them since the beginning of their musical career as rap-artists PJ and Duncan. I own all their records, but the critically acclaimed Psyche is my favourite. That’s the one where they wrecked the mike. They even invented a completely new dance called The Rumble.”

“And unlike Jeremy, I’m a truly authentic shape shifting moderate who’ll do or say whatever is needed to get in.”

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