I wanted to launch a leadership challenge against Jeremy Corbyn but was afraid of looking like an arsehole, Owen Smith has announced.
The Labour MP for Pontypridd said: “Ever since I pulled the girl who became my wife, and without the use of Viagra I must add, I have coveted the leadership of the Labour Party. However, fear of looking like an arsehole kept me from making a challenge myself.”
“But thanks to Angela’s heroic and well timed leadership challenge in an empty room, I was able to run for the leadership without looking like a complete bastard of a backstabber.”
“Even though my allies on the Labour NEC are busy purging likely Corbyn voters for various spurious thought-crimes, it is possible that I still might not win.”
“Therefore, I echo Tom Watson’s call for the leadership vote to be considered advisory only, which would then allow Iain McNicol to take the final, legally binding decision.”
“I also fully agree with Tom’s visionary proposal to give each and every Blairite MP one hundred thousand votes each, as a counterbalance against the large number of left wing voters whose lives have been ruined by successive Tory and right wing Labour governments.”
“We really must prevent lifelong Labour members, some of whom have been in the party or voting labour for several decades, from seizing power away from right wing entryists like Tom Watson, Angela Eagle or me.”