Tag Archives: satire

UK News

Tories to spend the day laughing about child poverty

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A number of Conservative MPs plan to spend the day in parliament laughing about child poverty, it has been announced.

One front bench Conservative MP said: “Like many of my parliamentary colleagues, I love nothing better than having a good laugh at the plight of people, especially children, whom we have cruelly plunged into poverty.”

“In fact, I only go to prime minister’s questions because I enjoy hearing Jeremy Corbyn give examples of the poverty and hardships that ordinary people are being made to suffer as a result of policies I voted for.”

“It’s hilarious. I just can’t stop myself from bursting out in laughter when I hear the details of their wretched lives.”

“It’s also good to know that our regressive policies are working as intended, taking the country back to the Victorian era of private wealth and public squalor.”

“These proles only have themselves to blame for making the lifestyle choice of being born into a Northern or working class family. It’s a clear case of poor financial planning on their part.”

Iain Duncan Smith, the disgraced former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions added: “The fact that I married a rich wife and now live in luxury on the sprawling estate of my in-laws makes me uniquely qualified to comment on topics related to social justice, employment and benefits.”

“My own painstaking research, which is based entirely on Tory ideological assumptions instead of facts, shows that child poverty is actually the direct result of poor lifestyle choices not only by the parents, but by the children themselves.”

“If a seven year old is too lazy to sweep chimneys or sell themselves into slavery, then their family definitely deserves to be sanctioned and starve. Starvation sets you free, as I have always said.”

“And we have to ask the question: if that kind of innovative child labour is good enough for economic powerhouses like India or Indonesia, then why isn’t it good enough for these British snowflakes?”

“So when the leader of the opposition tells us about the supposed hardships of ordinary people I clearly do not give a single fuck about, it makes me want to jump up and punch the air with both fists.”

“When I do that, I like to imagine I’m a fascist version of Chuck Norris and I’m punching massive holes in the windows of people who are on benefits, so they’ll be freezing cold all Christmas.”

UK News

Far-right terrorism isn’t proper terrorism, say the Sun, Daily Mail and BBC

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Far-right terrorism isn’t proper terrorism, the Sun, the Daily Mail and the BBC have decided.

An anonymous source at the Sun explained: “It would be wrong to label Thomas Mair and other violent far right criminals as terrorists, because a terrorist would need to be an enemy of the state, not somebody who has a similar political ideology to this paper and the Conservative government.”

“And if we allow Mair to be called a terrorist, where would that leave papers like the Sun? Instead of merely being a far-right shit-rag, the Sun would need to be reclassified as a terrorist far-right shit-rag.”

“Rupert Murdoch simply wouldn’t stand for it. I’m almost certain he’d be forced to sack Theresa May if it were to happen.”

One well known Daily Mail columnist said: “We might publish a few words about the latest far-right terror attack on page 13, but we’ll try to blame the EU, immigrants and Jeremy Corbyn instead of the real villains.”

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “Because we’re in the process of normalising the far-right political ideals that the Prime Minister would like the general public to embrace, we have to be careful about how we respond to far-right terrorism.”

“The PM and Rupert Murdoch are both very keen for the public to understand that British fascism is an entirely benign force, as long as you’re white and very thick.”

“In addition to giving a platform to far right extremists like Nigel Farage or inviting fascist groups to join the audience of Question Time, we are also doing our best to pretend that recent far-right terrorist attacks were not real terrorism, and that the terrorists themselves were not incited by the toxic politics of the Tories, Nigel Farage, or the right wing media.”

UK News

BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg wins biased right wing journalist of the year award

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The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg has won the Biased Right Wing Journalist of the Year Award, it has been announced.

Accepting the award from her boss Theresa May, Mrs Kuenssberg said: “It is an honour to accept this golden trophy, cast in the shape of a boot stamping down on a human face forever.”

“When I first joined the BBC, I did not realise how important a role I would come to play in the smearing of Jeremy Corbyn and keeping a number of massive Tory scandals out of the news.”

“Scandals such as the multiple criminal investigations into electoral fraud by the Conservative Party, or the allegation that David Cameron once performed an illegal sexual act with the head of a dead pig, either of which ought to have brought down the government and potentially landed Mr Cameron in prison.”

“By helping the right wing establishment hold onto power, I have helped them exploit and sometimes kill the poorest and most vulnerable in society, all for the benefit of the very rich.”

“As my good friend David Cameron once told me, there is no greater way to serve the country than to collude with the rich elite in their vicious war on the little people.”

Prime minister Theresa May was among those who offered praise for Kuenssberg: “Laura is a true British patriot and will surely go down as one of the greatest heroes in the history of this fascist country, the future of which I am intent on destroying by taking us out of the European Union against the wishes of the sane majority.”

UK News

My £995 leather trousers ARE made from skin of sanctioned job seekers, Theresa May confirms

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After much media speculation about her leather trousers which reportedly cost £995, the prime minister has confirmed that they are in fact made from the skin of job seekers who had died shortly after being sanctioned by the DWP.

Speaking to the BBC’s former Conservative journalist of the year Laura Kuenssberg, Mrs May said: “At a time when people are starting to realise I’m a really shit prime minister, we thought it would be helpful to divert attention my Brexit omnishambles by making a fashion statement that friendly journalists could then use to make me appear human and likeable.”

“We settled on these particular trousers in a bid to appeal to bigoted readers of the Daily Mail who like to read stories about vulnerable people getting forced into starvation or even dying as a result of our deliberately cruel benefit sanctions.”

“Although some people have speculated that my leather trousers were made by slave children in Indonesia before being sold in one of Phillip Green’s retail outlets, I can categorically state that is not true.”

“I can now reveal that the trousers cost £995 of taxpayer’s money and in fact were manufactured from the skins of vulnerable benefit claimants who died as a result of specially targeted benefit sanctions.”

“I actually got Iain Duncan Smith to personally select the victims using his own warped ideas about social justice. He simply loves doing that kind of thing. We both had a good laugh about it as we ate their livers with fava beans and a nice chianti.”

“Oh, and my plan for Brexit? Imagine a red, white and blue boot stamping on a human face, forever.”

UK News

Nigel Farage shortlisted for Time ‘twat of the year’ award for being a massive twat

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Nigel Farage has been shortlisted for the title of Time magazine’s twat of the year, along with pig’s head shagging former British prime minister David Cameron, and the backstabbing liar Boris Johnson.

The former UKIP leader is one of several contenders named by the American publication, which cites his role in the destruction of the British economy and the normalisation of fascism.

Unveiling the shortlist, which is chosen by editors of the magazine, a spokesperson said: “Here at Time we believe in honouring fascists, and as one of the most influential fascists of our time Nigel Farage is an obvious choice for this accolade.”

“His use of post-truth politics, otherwise known as the art of telling barefaced lies, has been an example to us all.”

“And by positioning the EU referendum as the start of a global wave of fascism, Farage has made an important contribution to the preservation of the right wing status quo by diverting anger away from the rich elite and onto foreigners and immigrants instead.”

A spokesman for Nigel Farage said: “The Fuhrer is pleased to have been recognised as one of the greatest twats in history.”

UK News

Far right politicians cancel far right march over fears it may attract the far right

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Far right politicians have canceled a march over fears that people from far right groups might attend, it has emerged.

Nigel Farage said: “It is with a heavy heart that we have been forced to cancel our far right march on Westminster, due to concerns that our expected army of 100,000 far right marchers might get infiltrated by people from far right groups like the EDL, Britain First or the Conservative Party.”

“Of course, when I say heart I mean the black piece of stone situated in my middle mediastinum, where a normal person’s heart would be.”

UKIP Fuhrer Paul Nuttall PhD added: “When we organised the march, we only thought a bunch of Mail and Express reading ignoramuses would turn up and express their fascist views about Europe and the independent judiciary.”

“However, it quickly became apparent that people from far right groups were also planning to attend, in order to express their fascist views about Europe and the independent judiciary.”

“In addition, we also realised that even with Britain First and the EDL in attendance, the total number of people at our march was going to be embarrassingly low, somewhere between 21 and 22.”

“But that’s not the real reason we canceled, honest.”

UK News

Tom Watson to launch inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’, including himself and all the Blairites

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Deputy Labour Leader Tom Watson has launched an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’ including himself and all the Blairites, it has emerged.

Mr Watson said: “With my minion Michael Dugher now investigating ways to censor independent left wing media outlets which have dared to expose acts of skullduggery by right wing infiltrators of the Labour Party, I thought it timely to launch an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’.”

“Unfortunately, there is a particular problem with right wing politicians who have infiltrated the Labour Party over a number of years, with the goal of turning it into just another Conservative party. Now that they’ve lost control, they are working tirelessly to ensure the party has no chance to succeed as long as it has a leader with any kind of left wing ideals.”

“Because they do not have anything useful to contribute to he debate on how to help make people’s live better, these ‘fake politicians’ use the right wing media to spread lies and misinformation, which can influence voters in such a way that they often end up voting against their own best interests.”

“It is of utmost importance that we now hold an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’ such as me and all my Blairite co-conspirators, and then blame everything on The Canary, Evolve Politics, and of course Trotskyist arm-twisters like Jeremy Corbyn.”

UK News

BBC broadcasts Nuremberg rally footage instead of Question Time, and nobody notices a difference

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The BBC have inadvertently broadcast footage from Adolf Hitler’s 1933 Nuremburg  rally in place of Question Time and nobody noticed a difference, it has emerged.

UKIP Leader Paul Nuttall said: “I tuned in to BBC1 expecting to watch a studio full of people blaming all our problems on immigrants and remain voters. So it was a pleasant surprise that instead of the scheduled live broadcast of Question Time, the BBC appeared to have inadvertently shown one full hour of Adolf Hitler speaking to a Nazi horde at Nuremberg in the 1930s.”

“Although my political ideals are quite similar to those of the Nazis, I would like to emphasize that there are some big differences that I would like potential enemies of the state to keep in mind.”

“Unlike the Nazis, I am pushing for fascism to be instituted in Britain in the year 2016, not in 1930s Germany.”

However, not all viewers were happy with the BBC’s mistake. Chris Bumfield from Milton Keynes told Newscrasher: “It took me twenty minutes to realise that I was watching a far right politician scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in the 1930s, instead of the expected BBC programme showing far right politicians scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in 2016.”

UK News

Britain First’s Jayda Fransen to march on Westminster with army of 10,000 uruk-hai

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Britain First’s Jayda Fransen has pledged to march on Westminster at the head of an army of 10,000 uruk-hai, it has emerged.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the deputy leader of the far right group said: “Next week a panel of judges will decide whether Theresa May’s right wing dictatorship has the right to take us out of the EU, against the wishes of the majority of the public and parliament.”

“To help the judges make up their minds, I will be marching on central London at the head of a 10,000 strong army of fighting uruk-hai, to pressure these judges into accepting the fact that us fascists are now in control, because that’s what people voted for.”

“Paul Golding and I will be praying to Our Lord Jesus Christ that all the judges are white, Christian heterosexuals with a penchant for fascism this time around.”

Fransen added: “We expect to have around 100 ill-informed Brexit-supporting pensioners marching with us as well, although numbers may dwindle somewhat once our uruk-hai begin to hunger for man-flesh.”

In association with Mordor First.

UK News

Lying shit demands we stop criticising another lying shit

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A lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy  has demanded that people stop criticising his mate who is also a lying shit who  helped destroy Britain’s economy, it has emerged.

Speaking on the BBC, Michael Gove said: “Nigel Farage was instrumental in spreading the lies and hatred of foreigners that fooled 17 million British voters into voting for the destruction of Britain by Brexit.”

“All Brexit supporting politicians, however evil, corrupt or dishonest should be respected, not questioned or criticised. If anything, we should be rewarded with an immediate knighthood and a place in the House of Lords.”

“I know he won’t mind me telling you, but Nigel cries himself to sleep at night because of all the bullying he has been getting lately.”

“Among the most upsetting incidents happened when Twitter users asked why Nigel had decided to fuck off to the USA instead of staying in Britain to clean up the huge mess he’d helped make.”

“I know Nigel was also deeply hurt by suggestions that, as a millionaire former stockbroker who was photographed in a lift made out of gold, he is clearly not the beer swilling down to earth man of the people he often pretends to be.”

“I just think it is really unfair that Nigel Farage has had to suffer this kind of criticism, simply for being true to himself and acting like a xenophobic cunt.”