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Unelected elite are subverting democracy, says paper owned by a foreign unelected elite

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The unelected elite are subverting democracy, according to a newspaper that is owned by a foreign born unelected elite.

The latest accusation by the Sun ‘newspaper’ comes in the wake a High Court ruling that we do still have laws and democracy in this country, and that the Prime Minister should stop pretending the people voted for a dictatorship.

Former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie said: “It is an outrage that three unelected judges who are probably not even racist can reach a decision that I do not like, based on an objective and dispassionate examination of the law.”

“They and the majority of the British public are all enemies of the people because they oppose Brexit.”

Speaking from atop a mountain of cash on a private island, the foreign-born unelected elite Rupert Murdoch added: “Over the years I have spent a considerable sum of money stoking anti-foreigner racism and resentment using my shit rag The Sun.”

“But now the unelected elite in the judiciary and on Match of the Day, some of whom are either gay or from Leicester, are attempting to subvert democracy and overturn the will of Sun readers, who have very real ‘concerns’ about immigration and Jeremy Corbyn.”

“It now goes without saying that my assistant Theresa May must find a way to bend the United Kingdom to my fascist will, because I’m not about to see my investment in hate go to waste now.”

UK News

We can’t enter Brexit negotiations with even the remotest idea about what we’re doing, argue Brexiteers

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The UK government must not go into the Brexit negotiations with any kind of plan or objectives, leading Brexiteers have argued.

Members of Parliament have demanded that the government outline their plan for negotiating the United Kingdom’s exit from the EU, but ministers hit back by arguing that this would require the government to actually come up with some ideas and a workable plan, which would be an impossible task even for a genius polymath like Boris Johnson.

Liam Fox said: “It is essential that we negotiate the best possible deal for Britain, and this means our negotiating position must kept absolutely secret, even from ourselves.”

“When our negotiators disembark the royal yacht and enter talks with the EU, it is paramount we ensure they have absolutely no idea what to do or say, or even why they are there in the first place.”

“A cynical observer might say the government does in fact have a plan, and that this plan involves the classical Tory scheme of fleecing the working class for the benefit of the wealthy, but I couldn’t possibly comment.”

Newscrasher also invited Michael Gove to comment, but he and his wife were reportedly far too busy engaging in a posh version of child-neglect to respond.

UK News

Brexiteers agree they have lost and will now proceed to get over it

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Brexiteers Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis have all agreed that they’ve lost and will now proceed to get over it, it has emerged.

In a joint statement, the three Brexiteers wrote: “We now accept that the British courts are right and that parliamentary sovereignty is important. It’s what we have been fighting for all this time, so we will suck it up and get over it.”

“In Parliament there are 470 MPs who oppose Brexit, so clearly we will now be staying in the EU.”

Professor Ed Smythe, a leading scientist in the area of Brexit studies, told Newscrasher: “Our studies have shown that Brexiters are irrational, elderly, and usually poorly educated. They often support homophobia, capital punishment, or believe the ‘EUSSR’ is a Jewish masonic conspiracy to overthrow Britain.”

“Their change in opinion has completely confounded our research. Quite frankly, we’re shocked.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Taunton also said: “Once again the experts are wrong and I am right! Since the day after the referendum I’ve been going around telling Remain voters that they’ve lost, should shut up, and get over it.”

“Now that we Brexiters have basically lost, I’m going to take my own advice and will be shutting the fuck up and getting over it immediately.”

“I hope this finally shows everyone I’m not the colossal twat they originally thought I was.”

UK News

I really, really want to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal court decision, says Theresa May

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Theresa May really, really wants to rule as a dictatorial god emperor and will appeal the high court ruling, it has been announced.

Today’s High Court ruling that Article 50 can only be triggered with parliamentary approval has dealt a major blow to the government, which wanted to trigger Article 50 and subsequently destroy the remains of the British economy using the Royal Prerogative.

However, the mood in the government is one of defiance. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “The PM really wants to rule Britain as a dictatorial god emperor, and we will appeal against the High Court ruling that Britain is a democracy.”

“The position of this government is that on June 23rd the people clearly voted to abolish democracy and become a far right dictatorship, and this is what Theresa May and her cabinet of twats intend to deliver for the overly patriotic, mostly white people of Britain who voted to leave the EU.”

Outside the court in London, Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “I am clearly a massive hypocrite, because I refuse to accept I lost this court case and I will not be getting over it, ever, despite the fact that since June 23rd I’ve been going around telling Remain voters to do precisely that.”

UK News

Elderly should be able to bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party, government says

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The elderly should be able to bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party when they die, the government has announced.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said: “Older generations have contributed so much to Britain during their lifetime of secure jobs, excellent free healthcare and affordable housing, that it is only fair to allow them to wield influence from the grave as well.”

“And this is why the government will be using the Royal Prerogative to force through legislation granting people aged 60 or over the right bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party, to be used for all time in every election or referendum, and to be deployed in constituencies where our party would gain the greatest electoral advantage.”

“Unpatriotic traitors who love immigrants and do not support the Conservative Party will be able to opt-out, as long as they file the correct paperwork at a Job Centre or DWP office on the morning of their death. Otherwise consent will be assumed by default.”

“Imagine being able to easily turn a marginal Labour constituency Conservative on election day using these deployable votes. Liam Fox said it gave him a raging hard-on just thinking about it.”

Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “I was born in the fifties so my generation won two world wars, one world cup and one Brexit referendum.”

“Having given so much to this country over the years, I should be allowed to continue to wreck the lives of the young and the poor from the grave and for all eternity, by ensuring the Conservatives or another fascist party keep getting into government.”

UK News

Pound is 147th best performing currency of the year, boasts Liam Fox

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By Dorothy Hotdog

Liam Fox has boasted that the British Pound is now the 147th best performing currency of 2016, it has emerged.

The Secretary of State for International Trade said: “Beating both the Nigerian Naira and Angolan Kwanza shows what an economic powerhouse Brexit Britain is becoming.”

“We are now within only a few percent of the Mozambique New Metical.”

Dr. Fox continued: “Our competitiveness with these African superpowers proves that not only will Brexit be a massive success, but the entire world will be queueing up to invest United Nations peacekeeping resources in us, creating exciting new trade opportunities for arms dealers and prostitution.”

UK News

Stop exposing us as heartless cunts, Tory MPs tell social media users

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Tory members of Parliament have demanded that social media users stop exposing them as heartless cunts, it has emerged.

Iain Duncan Smith said: “As Minister for Manslaughter, I voted to take money away from disabled people because it is in the national interest for the most vulnerable people to be demonised, hounded and starved to death.”

“I also tried to get as many children into poverty as possible, through a series of sadistic cuts to benefits, and an unfair regime of sanctions which punish benefit claimants for things like being ill or dead.”

“I am now quite shocked and saddened that social media users are exposing me as a heartless cunt by publicising my voting record and excessive expense claims on Facebook and Twitter.”

“This has to stop, and we will be consulting lawyers about what action we can take to shut down this unwelcome dissent.”

Mr Duncan Smith added: “Just because we’re enacting Nazi policies in modern Britain, that doesn’t give social media users the right to expose the truth about heroes like me.”

UK News

Let’s investigate Jeremy Corbyn before investigating Tory electoral fraud and human rights abuses, Tories say

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Frivolous investigations into Jeremy Corbyn should be given priority over investigations into Tory electoral fraud and human rights abuses, the Tories have announced.

Home Secretary Amber Rudd said: “There is a large number of truly shitty things that Conservatives have done over the years, including electoral fraud, human rights abuses in the Battle of Orgreave, and weaponising hunger, but it’s simply not in the national interest to investigate any of it.”

“Society would definitely cease to function if the people were to find out about all the different ways we’ve been screwing them and ruining their lives.”

“However, the national interest would be very well served by launching frivolous investigations into Jeremy Corbyn, to get to the bottom of the very serious allegation made by Laura Kuenssberg that Mr. Corbyn is in fact an antisemitic antichrist vampire.”

A spokesperson for the BBC also announced that the broadcaster would no longer provide coverage or comment on any scandals involving Conservative governments, arguing that ‘these matters are now closed for all time’.

UK News

Auschwitz documentary was ‘monstrously unfair’ on the camp guards, claims Damian Green

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A critically acclaimed documentary about the horror and inhumanity of the Auschwitz concentration camp is monstrously unfair on the camp guards, Damian Green has announced.

Speaking to the BBC, the Work and Pensions Secretary said: “Not only is this documentary a work of fiction, it is also monstrously unfair on the soldiers who guarded the concentration camp, many of whom had to work in fucking difficult conditions and were merely following orders from their boss at the DWP.”

“I have identified a number of efficiency savings that I would have put in place at Auschwitz had I been Work and Pensions Secretary of Germany at that time.”

“For a start, I would have forced inmates to work for free in Poundland. In addition, I would have implemented a regime of sanctions that would see people have their money cut off and subsequently starve to death for frivolous reasons.”

“The Tory regime of which I am part have policies so cruel and ruthless they would make Adolf Hitler himself blush”, Green added.

UK News

The Pound should shut up and get over it, a Leave voter has decided

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The British Pound should shut up and get over the fact that it lost the referendum, a Leave voter has decided.

Chris Bumfield said: “On the 23rd of June, we voted to implement child-like economic and immigration policies which we believed would make us richer at the expense of foreigners and the young.”

“Unfortunately, those of us who voted to leave the EU were wrong about literally everything, and all the promises made by the Leave campaign turned out to be outright lies and were immediately discarded.”

“Nevertheless, the people have spoken and it is important for Britain to push on with its current suicidal course of action.”

“In light of this, I find it wholly unacceptable that the Pound has decided to go against the whim of the people by plunging in value against all other currencies, making everyone a lot poorer, including ignorant and proud Brexiters like me.”

“Our great British currency should just shut up and get over it. We won, it lost.”

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