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People thank me for stopping their benefits, says Iain Duncan Smith

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Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has today claimed that 75% of people who’ve suffered benefit sanctions thanked him personally for “helping them focus and get on.”

Mr Duncan Smith said: “One man came up me who said he’d been in a wheelchair. He hadn’t had use of his legs since 1998, but when DWP staff tricked him into losing his benefits, this helped him focus and he told me how he’d subsequently adopted a Bruce Lee style training plan that enabled him to grow his legs back again.”

“Now he not only walks, but is a black belt at Karate.”

“Every day I am humbled,” added Duncan Smith, “at the love and affection given to me by the disabled. Some even ask me for their autograph and there’s nothing more moving than posing for a selfie with a formerly disabled person who grew their legs back and can now stand up. It’s all thanks to me!“

UK News

Tories to raise retirement age to 100

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Amid the general melee of the EU referendum campaigning, the Government have today attempted to bury yet more bad news. In a low key briefing, it was announced that the retirement age is to be raised to 100.

At a sparsely attended press conference, Minister of State for Employment Priti Patel said: “I have always agreed with Iain Duncan Smith and Adolf Hitler that works sets you free. And by raising the retirement age to 100, we will be able to free pensioners from reliance on handouts from hard working people, in addition to freeing those earning more than £100,000, who will see substantial tax cuts due to the resulting savings.”

“Whilst it is only fair that today’s hardworking pensioners get the retirement they deserve, today’s young are feckless and retirement would clearly destroy the motivation and innovation of the elderly to vote Conservative.”

“The Government has launched an independent review of the retirement age, and we are sure that the authors of the report, all loyal retired senior civil servants, will conclude from the available evidence that our plan is absolutely correct.”
UK News

George Osborne to buy smoke machines from EDF to create a long-term economic smoke screen

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Right wing Chancellor George Osborne has announced it is the Treasury’s intention to buy an undisclosed quantity of smoke machines from EDF, to create what he called “a long term economic smoke screen.”
Paying twice the market value, Osborne insisted that the untested technology would prove valuable to the British economy in producing record numbers of the unemployed.
He told Newscrasher: “As the conservative party has long believed, unemployment is a price worth paying, and I am confident that our Chinese partners will be as enthusiastic about the long-term economic smoke screen as we are.”
The chancellor refused to comment on press reports that China is actually in recession.
UK News

G4S to sell juvenile prison to McDonalds

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G4S is to sell its Medway juvenile prison to fast food giant McDonalds, it has been announced today. A spokeswoman for G4S said the Medway Secure Training Centre in Kent had seen a fall in profitability due to a recent spate of violence by guards and inmates.

A McDonalds spokesman, speaking exclusively to Newscrasher claimed “for decades we have been renowned for our high quality food that contains important nutritional elements such as water, for our educational projects with children thanks to plastic toy film tie-ins, and Ronald McDonald, an icon among the young. This move into the prison sector is a welcome diversification of our business, and is expected to further enhance our share of the fast-food market.”

“Not only will the inmates be able to enjoy breakfast, lunch and dinner carefully selected by us from the McDonalds menu, they will also enjoy paying their way by working within an adjoining McDonalds restaurant and drive-thru, to be constructed at the expense of the taxpayer.”

The news has been welcomed by Home Secretary Theresa May, whose husband Philip bought a substantial shareholding in McDonalds last week.

UK News

Rename SNP to Scottish National Socialist Party insists Salmond

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Former First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has demanded the SNP be renamed the “Scottish National Socialist Party” to outflank Labour, which is currently undergoing a left wing resurgence under left winger Jeremy Corbyn.

Professor Salmond said: “We say the SNP are a left wing or socialist party, but the reality is we don’t actually have any real left wing policies, and this is a problem for the party.”

The former First Minister explained: “With Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour party now tacking to the left, we need to find a way to outflank them without upsetting our moderate middle class support base, who enjoy lavish spending at the expense of the poor.”

“The best way we can achieve this is to include the word ‘socialist’ in the name of our party. If this kind of trickery can work for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, then it can sure as fuck work for us.”

Current leader of the SNP Nicola Sturgeon was famously unable to name any SNP policies that redistribute from the wealthy to the poor, despite repeated claims that the party is left wing.

First Minister Sturgeon is said to have welcomed Mr Salmond’s comments, and intends to study the proposal.

UK News

My war on benefits is like second world war fight against Hitler, says Iain Duncan Smith

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Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to continue his war on benefits despite stiff resistance from the Lords, likening it to the struggle against Adolf Hitler during the second world war.

Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, the Secretary of State said he wanted to “end the virtual slavery of benefit dependence and replace it with actual slavery.”

Continuing, former Conservative leader said: “I’m battling for Britain against the benefits culture that blights the lives of millions of hard working taxpayers, particularly those earning £100,000 or more, much like we battled for Britain against Hitler and his socialist regime during the second world war.”

When asked whether those on the left who oppose his policies are the devil incarnate, Mr Duncan Smith replied: “Yes, and their humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.”

Alluding to a recent News Crasher campaign to have Mr Duncan Smith prosecuted, he added: “As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice. I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”

sport

Disbelief as pro cyclist discovered not cheating

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Today the cycling world was rocked by fresh allegations about mechanical doping on the pro racing scene.

According to a leaked report seen by Newscrasher, the UCI has uncovered damning evidence that a well known member of a UK-based professional cycling team has been discovered to not be using mechanical or conventional doping.

Doping has long been practised by athletes looking for a competitive advantage and is relatively easy to detect. But recent advances in battery technology have made it possible to fit compact electrical motors inside competition bicycles, freeing cyclists from the hassle of having to prepare and take drugs ahead of races, and a number of well known cyclists register extraordinary performances using mechanical doping.

However, the revelation that some professional cyclists are shunning mechanical doping will send shock waves through the cycling community, and we can expect serious questions to be asked in the coming days regarding how this unsporting behaviour can be detected and discouraged, in order to maintain a level playing field in this sport.

UK News

Michael Gove launches campaign to clean up homeless people with fire hoses

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Secretary of State for Justice Michael Gove has today launched a campaign to clean up homeless people with fire hoses.

Mr Gove told reporters: “My visionary Clean for the Queen scheme is a call to arms for the common man to solve two problems: the homelessness life style choice, and the lack of funding for street cleaners due to local government inefficiency. I believe inside every homeless person is an aspirational conservative voter trying to get out, and I believe powerful fire hoses will motivate them to get up, get off benefits and into a job.”

The fire hose solution was first mooted by the Justice Secretary’s political hero and then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, who was eventually talked out of it by her then Home Secretary Douglas Hurd.

During the subsequent photo-call, Mr Gove mucked in with anti homeless conservative volunteers, where he hosed passerby Jeremy, aged 66, from Islington who had been mistaken for a tramp due to his lack of Savile Row tailoring.

Unfortunately, several members of the public mistook Gove for something else, and an attempt was made to deposit him in a nearby dog waste bin before he squirmed free shouting “it’s me Michael, I’m from the government.”

UK News

Heartless bastard warns more poor and disabled may need to die

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Chancellor George Osborne has today warned that more of the poor and disabled may need to die, due to new and unnecessary spending cuts in the upcoming budget.

Mr Osborne told Fox News’ political editor Laura Kuenssberg that global economic issues and reduced growth meant “we may need to undertake further reductions” in the poor and disabled populace.

He said in the exclusive interview with Kuenssberg, a political ally of the Conservative Party: “We may need to undertake further reductions in the number of people on benefits because this country can only afford what it can afford and we’ll address that in the Budget because I’m absolutely clear we’ve got to root our country in the principle that we live within our means and that we have economic security.”

He went on to say the “whole purpose of our economic plan was to accelerate our redistribution of wealth from the poor, disabled and vulnerable to the retirees and the wealthy, to whom this country owes so much.”

He added: “All welfare and a decent education does is produce Labour voters. Because of this we are committed to plunging poor families into abject poverty and to destroying their educational chances, as this will make Great Britain Great Great Britain again.”

The Taxpayers’ Alliance campaign group has welcomed the plans.

UK News

New Star Wars villain to be based on the political career of Iain Duncan Smith

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The next installment of the Star Wars saga will include a villain based on British Politician Iain Duncan Smith, director of Episode VIII Rian Johnson has revealed.

Speaking to fans at an event in Florida, Johnson explained how he plans to continue in the footsteps of George Lucas by using real life as the inspiration for Star Wars characters and events.

He said: “Iain Duncan Sith is to be one of the most evil and sinister characters in the Star Wars universe. Thanks to the extraordinary CGI made possible by Industrial Light and Magic, Iain Duncan Sith will be composed entirely of semi-sentient faecal slime, the pungent smell of which be available in selected 4D cinemas across Europe and North America in December 2017.”

“Duncan Sith’s career in the Galactic Senate is built on making the poor poorer, pushing children into poverty, and starving the ill and disabled, all while claiming to be able to live on 53 Galactic Credits a week.”

Johnson added: “The turning point in the story arc of this movie is when Duncan Sith forces several million unemployed beings into unpaid labour as part of his Workfare programme, building a giant space-station capable of destroying an entire planet. When left wingers from the Jedi Council confront him about the harmful impact and injustice of his policies, Duncan Sith becomes violent and is fatally wounded in the ensuring light sabre battle.”

A talking Iain Duncan Sith toy is now available in shops, for a RRP of £19.99.  When punched in the balls the toy will play one of several lines from the film, including “I don’t care who’s died”, “I am proud of my record”, and “work sets you free.”

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