Paul Nuttall is currently building a time machine that he claims will allow him to travel back through time and do things all the things he has lied about doing, it has emerged.
Speaking to BBC, which has been giving inexplicably undue airtime to his party of fringe lunatics, Dr. Nuttall said: “Although people have doubted for years that time travel is possible, can I just remind the voters of stoke I have a PhD. And even if I don’t I will soon go back in time and make it so.”
Nuttall also plans to leave himself a copy of the 1957 sports almanac, and to place a bet on 96 people dying at Hillsborough in 1989: “If it worked for Donald Trump and Biff Tannen it can work for me.”
Among the historical events that Nuttall plans to attend are the invasion of Poland by Germany that triggered World War 2, and the assassination of Clement Attlee in 1946 which prevented the NHS being established in an alternative reality.
Nuttall also spoke of looking forward to torchlit rallies with kindred spirits at Nuremberg, and meeting General Pinochet in 1973.
“My favourite event however will be to go for a drink with Vladimir Putin in East Germany. There’s so much I can teach him, and learn from him.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog
Former Prime Minister Winston Churchill, who led the nation to victory against the Nazis in the second world war, would definitely support British fascism now, UKIP voters have claimed.
As leader of the opposition, Winston Churchill attacked the Government of the day for not joining the forerunner of the EEC: “We cannot aim at anything less than the Union of Europe as a whole, and we look forward with confidence to the day when that Union will be achieved.”
But many leave voters are adamant that Churchill would have sided with their mission to turn the clock back to the hateful, violent 1930s.
Among them is UKIP supporter Chris Bumfield, who told Newscrasher: “Despite fighting tirelessly against German fascism in the Second World War, Winston Churchill would now definitely agree with all the fascist views I hold.”
“What’s more, Churchill would also support Britain’s withdrawal from the European Union, despite being a strong advocate first for the unification of Britain and France into a single state, and later for the creation of a European superstate very much like what the EU is today.”
“Who needs peace and prosperity when we can instead have divisions and hatred of foreigners. I’m pretty sure hatred is going to pay the bills every bit as well as the job I am about to lose when my employer moves out of the UK.”
Bumfield’s views are backed by all-round genius and Conservative MP, Iain Duncan Smith. “I have studied Churchill extensively over the past 17 minutes before this interview, and although he founded the United Europe Movement in 1947, this was obviously a plot by the great British bulldog to bring down a future united states of Europe from the inside. It’s disgusting how a man who fought nazism from the moment he was born has been co-opted as one of the nine founding fathers of the European Union.”
By Horace McSavage and Jeff Sanchez
UKIP loud-mouth Paul Nuttall has sensationally claimed that he was in attendance when the Enola Gay dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima in 1945.
Nuttall, who wasn’t even born at the time, maintains he was there on the ground and witnessed all 129,000 deaths.
In a statement released earlier today, the UKIP leader claimed: “It was like something out of Terminator 2. The skin was just blowing off people and everything. It was just horrible and I don’t really like to talk about it.”
“Just like I prefer not to talk about that old video of me calling for privatisation of the NHS.”
Nuttall went on to furiously deny accusations that he was lying about being there just to pick up a few sympathy votes. “Anyone who says I wasn’t there is simply part of a left-wing media conspiracy. They’re just out to paint me as a lying, conniving, contemptible little shit who’ll say anything to get elected.”
Eggs up and down the country have been pleading with activists not to be thrown at members of the UK Independence Party.
The appeal comes in the wake of the Egging of Nigel Farage and Paul Nuttall, who were targeted by activists on the campaign trail in Stoke on Trent earlier today.
One egg who witnessed the attack spoke to reporters soon after: “It was horrifying! I was in the same carton as two of the eggs that made contact with Nigel Farage’s face.”
The startled egg continued: “Why is it always us eggs that get thrown at repulsive right-wing bigots? What’s wrong with rotten cabbages? Or tomatoes even?”
It seems that, while egg-throwing protestors don’t doubt the validity of the eggs’ complaint, there are no plans to change their missile of choice for the time being.
If convicted of electoral fraud, Paul Nuttall will serve the constituents of Stoke-on-Trent Central to the best of his abilities from prison, it has been announced.
The disgraced leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party said: “It has been alleged that I lied about my address when registering as a candidate in the Stoke by election, something which I practically admitted on national television a few days ago when a reporter came at me with difficult questions.”
“If true, what I have done would constitute electoral fraud, which is a criminal offence. The police are now investigating.”
“However, I maintain that I am innocent of any crime whatsoever, and if elected I will serve the constituents of whatever this godforsaken town is called, from Her Majesty’s prison if necessary.”
Speaking from the secret bachelor pad he shares with a female ‘friend’ 15 years his junior, former UKIP leader Nigel Farage endorsed Mr Nuttall: “I’ve known Paul for a number of weeks, and he is exactly the kind of right-wing thug the people of Stoke should be voting for if they hate foreigners and straight bananas.”
The BBC have inadvertently broadcast footage from Adolf Hitler’s 1933 Nuremburg rally in place of Question Time and nobody noticed a difference, it has emerged.
UKIP Leader Paul Nuttall said: “I tuned in to BBC1 expecting to watch a studio full of people blaming all our problems on immigrants and remain voters. So it was a pleasant surprise that instead of the scheduled live broadcast of Question Time, the BBC appeared to have inadvertently shown one full hour of Adolf Hitler speaking to a Nazi horde at Nuremberg in the 1930s.”
“Although my political ideals are quite similar to those of the Nazis, I would like to emphasize that there are some big differences that I would like potential enemies of the state to keep in mind.”
“Unlike the Nazis, I am pushing for fascism to be instituted in Britain in the year 2016, not in 1930s Germany.”
However, not all viewers were happy with the BBC’s mistake. Chris Bumfield from Milton Keynes told Newscrasher: “It took me twenty minutes to realise that I was watching a far right politician scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in the 1930s, instead of the expected BBC programme showing far right politicians scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in 2016.”
Acting Fuhrer of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has threatened to march on Westminster at the head of a million-strong army of pensioners, unless all his demands are met.
Speaking to a thronging crowd of yobs and pensioners in Taunton town centre, Mr Farage said: “A minority of people voted to leave the evil empire of freedom and prosperity that is the EU, and now we must enforce our righteous fascist will on the majority of Britons who do not agree with our views.”
Waiting for the cheering and applause to subside, the fuhrer waved aloft a non-ISO sized sheet of paper and continued: “I have here a list of one hundred and forty-seven demands that the government must meet in order to make Britain great again, according to the mandate given to me personally on the twenty-third of June.”
“If my patriotic demands are not met in full, I will raise a million-strong army of yobs and racist pensioners, and we’ll march on the Palace of Westminster to enforce the transition from democracy to fascism, or national socialism as I prefer to call it.”
“We are good, peaceful people who do not hold a grudge, and that is why en route to London we will be sacking all towns and neighbourhoods which voted Remain.”
The United Kingdom Independence Party is urging all patriotic Britons to build bonfires out of books that displease the Fuhrer, it has emerged.
UKIP leadership contender mused: “The best way to protect our fascist values and win more votes is to encourage widespread ignorance among the populace.”
“Although we will soon be sending UKIP activists into infant schools and maternity units around the country to get kids brainwashed from an early age, we must also start an urgent programme to vet all books and burn those books that displease the Fuhrer.”
“Books for children which depict positive and fulfilling friendships between Britons and foreigners are particularly offensive, and will be among the first to go.”
“Today [5th of November] would be an especially good day to get started with our proposed patriotic book burnings. Therefore, I urge all unthinking Britons to immediately raid their book shelves and local libraries, and build their bonfires out of books from our list of proscribed works.”
However, UKIP party grandees have been unable to agree on whether George Orwell’s 1984 should be burned as a heretical work of anti-British treachery, or permitted for use as an instruction manual for UKIP activists.
Acting Fuhrer Nigel Farage said: “I have nothing but praise for this visionary initiative from my UKIP colleague, and I hope the country will soon be in a position to transition from burning books, to burning people.”
UKIP will select its new leader using ‘trial by combat’, the party has announced.
A spokesperson for the party said: “Because we are a bunch of knuckle-dragging thugs, our internal discussions sometimes turn violent.”
“Clearly, we need a leader who is not only strong, but who also is able to beat his political opponents to a pulp with his or her bare hands.”
He added: “For this reason, our next leader will be selected using ‘trial by combat’, as seen on TV’s Game of Thrones, because barbaric fantasy violence like this is the perfect way to settle political disputes among hard-right nationalists.”
Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “During the EU referendum campaign I suggested that political violence is acceptable, so I now welcome the introduction of trial by combat to the UKIP leadership contest.”
The millionaire former stockbroker who claims to speak for the man in the street added: “I came here to swill beer and beat up my opponents, and now I’m all out of beer.”