Jeremy Corbyn, benefit claimants and economic migrants from the EU are to blame for the massive delays on rail services, Southern Trains has claimed.

A spokesman for Southern Trains said: “Southern Trains is among the best performing rail companies in the world, providing third world punctuality at first world prices.”

“Unfortunately, circumstances beyond our control are increasingly causing long delays on some Southern Trains services, with left winger Jeremy Corbyn being among the main causes due to the threat from his frightening policies. Benefit claimants and economic migrants from elsewhere in the EU are also among the major causes.”

“But every cloud has its silver lining — our profits are up significantly compared to 2015, as are dividend payments and the bonus of our chief executive.”

Prime Minister Theresa May is considering removing ‘racially valuable children’  when deporting EU migrants, it has emerged.

Speaking outside Number 10, Mrs. May said: “For far too long the British public have tolerated foreigners coming to our shores to work, paying their taxes and making a positive contribution to the fabric of society.”

“On June 23rd, xenophobes from all across the country voted to take back their country and get rid of the foreigners who they wrongly blame for all their problems, thanks to cynical liars like me.”

“However, the expulsion of such a large number of working age people leaves the UK open to a demographic crisis, which is why the government will be taking the evidence based approach of removing racially valuable children from their parents prior to deportation.”

“I am not a cruel leader, and that is why I have decreed that no foreigners are to be harmed by any of the state’s official security apparatus during their detention in one of the new G4S deportation processing camps.”

“I can also give categorical assurances that the unusually large number of ovens in the camps is entirely innocent, as are the hair and gold-tooth recycling facilities.”

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

A Brexit voter has demanded continued use of the gym facilities after he chose to cancel his membership, it has emerged.

Daily Mail reader Martin Bumfield said: “I looked at the cost of my gym membership and just felt so angry that this money pays for facilities that can be used by other people, maybe even by foreigners and people on benefits.”

“Ignorant of the benefits of being a member, I reasoned that I would like to spend that money on myself only, and so I resolved to take back control and leave.”

However, soon after cancelling his membership, Mr Bumfield was shocked to find the gym staff had become somewhat uncooperative and even refused to allow him use of the gym’s facilities.

“This is bullying. I’m being bullied by the faceless bureaucrats of a corrupt organisation.”

“How dare they punish me by stopping me from swimming in the pool even though I’m no longer a paying member. It’s my RIGHT as a former member to continue to the use the pool whether they like it or not. And it’s also my right to piss in it if I want.”

Mr Bumfield is now in discussions with the manager about retaining limited use of a range of facilities, but without actually being a member and with a much higher monthly fee. He is also considering whether to cancel his golf course membership, but still shit in sand bunker near the 16th hole.

Afghanistan war hero and SAS veteran Sir Ross Kemp has entered the Labour leadership race with a stinging attack on incumbent leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Former hard-man Kemp repeated a number of concerns which are basically a load of bollocks: “Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable, he’s a bad leader and he’s actively aiding the infiltration of the Labour Party by people with left wing ideals who care about outdated things like the NHS and fighting poverty.”

“And as somebody who is most famous for playing  a bone-headed thug, you can take my word for it that Jeremy Corbyn needs to make way for somebody right wing with links to disgraced Murdoch hack Rebekah Brooks, and who thinks selling out the poor and vulnerable to get elected is absolutely the right thing to do – we’ll still be able to help the middle classes anyway.”

Some observers have pointed out the irony of the Blairite faction labeling their critics as ‘vile thugs’, when prominent Blairite supporter Ross Kemp himself spent many years acting like a vile thug in the BBC’s soap opera Eastenders.

National hero George Osborne is taking time out from his preferred activity of screwing over the poor to consider the options for his next steps on the career ladder.

In a candid conversation with close friend David Cameron, Mr Osborne says: “With the British economy in ruins, I am now looking to build on this success and move on to new personal and professional challenges.”

Looking up from the woman’s chest from which he had just snorted a line of coke, the former chancellor continued: “I can safely say the sky’s the limit regarding my future career prospects, thanks to my O-Level in mathematics and my extensive experience in the refolding of towels.”

“I expect the IMF will soon invite me to join their team, no doubt they are eager to use my economic genius to get the global economy moving with austerity and trickle-up economics.”

Confident his career will reach new heights, Mr. Osborne screws up a job application form from Selfridges, a move he will soon come to regret.

Labour Leadership contender Angela Eagle has called for the immediate suspension of all party members who will not vote for her, it has emerged.

The charismatic firebrand MP for Wallasey said: “Voicing support for Jeremy is basically the same as going up to me shouting vile abuse right in my face with a megaphone. For those of us who enjoy very little support, this is hugely intimidating, and I call on Jeremy to reign in people who are not actually under his control but who are voicing support for him and not for me.”

Speaking during a whistle-stop tour of completely empty rooms across the country, political lightweight Ms. Eagle continued: “Unelectable Jeremy Corbyn must also resign immediately and remove himself from the leadership ballot, otherwise he will win. This is because he is more popular than me, because I stand for absolutely nothing except for election.”

“I’ve had a makeover and everything.”