All posts by Jeff

Born in El Salvador to British and French parents, I moved back to the UK as a teenager, where I now live and work.
UK News

Corbyn victory may lead to rioting again, warns Chuka Umunna

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Rioting may ensue if Jeremy Corbyn wins the party’s leadership contest, Labour MP Chuka Umunna has warned.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, Mr Umunna said he ‘wouldn’t dismiss’ that victory for Jeremy Corbyn could pave the way for ‘a repeat of the social unrest’ some of the country experienced ‘during the last long period of Conservative government’. 

“I know I predicted rioting in the event of Jeremy winning the previous leadership election, but this time I’m totally sure there’ll be rioting if he wins. There can be no doubt about it.”

“The NEC will have to put out Jeremy’s picture in silence, because his identity by itself causes violence”, the MP for Streatham added.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said: “We stand ever vigilant to thwart possible left-wing thought crime in the form of expressions of support for Jeremy Corbyn or the NHS, both of which are tantamount to violent rioting and as such are proscribed activities under Theresa May’s Police State Act 2016.”

UK News

Virgin Trains release video showing Jeremy Corbyn is an ‘antichrist’

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Jeremy Corbyn is an antichrist and we have the video to prove it, Virgin Trains has announced.

A spokesman for Virgin Trains said: “As the operator of a low quality national rail service, Virgin Trains prides itself on the suffering we inflict on thousands of passengers every day so that our CEO can have more money for himself.”

“Therefore, we are extremely concerned about Mr Corbyn’s plan to improve rail services, reduce fares, and nationalise rail franchises if he becomes prime minister.”

“Because this man poses a clear and present danger to our enormous profits, he must be stopped before he can improve the lives of the millions of Britons who now live in poverty, or who are being ripped-off daily by ‘businesses’ such as Virgin Trains.”

“And that is why today we feel it necessary to release CCTV footage that clearly shows Jeremy Corbyn is an antichrist. Despite it being illegal to release CCTV footage of a passenger, Peter Mandelson asked us to do it because he’s shit-scared about Jeremy Corbyn getting re-elected leader and actually helping the people.”

“As you will see, Mr Corbyn did not enter the train through the doors, but through a gateway from Hell opened by one of his special advisers who is a communist nazi and a baby-eating vampire all at the same time.”

“Once inside the carriage, the Labour Leader levitated past several members of the public from whom he proceeded to suck their souls, before sitting on the floor to defecate a bilious green sludge, from which oozed at least 8 demon larvae with razor sharp teeth which went on to devour the flesh of passengers and Virgin Trains staff.”

“We hope this highly implausible interpretation of Jeremy Corbyn’s actions on board one of our trains convinces you all to vote for Owen Smith for Labour leader and to definitely vote Conservative in the next general election.”

UK News

Tom ‘Blenkinstrop’ blocks everybody except himself in Twitter meltdown

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By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Labour MP Tom Blenkinsop has blocked everybody except himself on Twitter, it has emerged.

“In abusing people on twitter I am creating a safe space where I can feel safe by having threatened others. Only by ignoring and abusing our opponents can the right of the party win,” the Labour MP for Middlesbrough South and East Cleveland said.

Twitter users have expressed surprise and mirth at the so-called ‘Blenkinstrop’. One user said: “when I heard the name Blenkinsop I imagined he was a sh*t comedian from Britain Has Talent. It turns out he’s a Blairite MP, so I was almost right.”

Among those blocked is Harry Leslie Smith (@harryslaststand).

“A 93 year old pensioner is particularly threatening. After all, in world war two he was killing Germans and that’s a skill you can never forget,” Blenkinsop added.

However, Harry hit back by tweeting: “It’s clear you are voting for a socialist platform in the Labour Party if you were .”

UK News

Hilary Benn: UK should be bombing Syrian children right now

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The United Kingdom should be bombing children in Syria just like the Assad regime and Russia, Hilary Benn has maintained.

The MP for Leeds Central and former Shadow Foreign Secretary said: “When I saw the photo of that little wounded boy from Aleppo all covered in blood, my first thought was of the rousing nationalist speech I gave in Parliament in support of bombing Syria.”

“If the right wing dominance of the Labour Party lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, this was my finest hour.”

“I also feel deeply ashamed that British pilots are not taking part in the bombing of civilian areas, righteously wounding and killing defenceless people of all ages.”

SAS veteran Ross Kemp added: “I’m disgusted that Jeremy Corbyn opposed military action in Syria, denying  a hard-man like me the chance to front a reality TV show about the Syria war, on a TV channel owned by my good friend and Labour Tomorrow funder Rupert Murdoch.”

“I’m also deeply worried that Corbyn might victimise Rupert Murdoch by enacting policies that could violate his human right to accumulate extreme wealth without actually paying taxes.”

“And that is why I fully support the heroic campaign of backstabbing and protracted leadership challenges that Labour’s hard right moderates have been prosecuting against the elected unelectable leader of the Labour Party.”

 

UK News

Jeremy Corbyn biased against everyone, BBC claims

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The BBC has defended its apparent bias against Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn by arguing that Corbyn is the one who is in fact biased.

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “Vampire antichrist Jeremy Corbyn and his communist nazi stormtrooper supporters often claim that the right wing media, including the pro-Tory BBC, are biased against him and the left. This could not be further from the truth.”

“In actual fact, it is Mr Corbyn and the left who are extremely biased, not only against the mainstream media, but also against the country in general, because Britain is a completely right wing country.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “Ever since democracy was reestablished in 1979, Britain has always elected right wing governments. So when Jeremy Corbyn makes wild claims about media bias he is purposefully and malevolently offending every man, woman, child and cat in this amazing, God-fearing country.”

“And that is why I have been out to get him since day one of his tenure as leader. I loathe Jeremy Corbyn and everything he stands for, from his pathetic interest in lifting children out of poverty, to his squeamishness about dropping bombs on innocent children in Syria.”

Labour deputy leader Tom Watson, wearing a tin foil hat to ‘block Momentum mind control rays’, said: “Jeremy’s idea of actually helping ordinary people, instead of bowing down to corporations and media magnates is so last century.”

“He needs to step aside for somebody a bit more electable, and by that I mean more right wing, so that Labour can return to power and do basically the same shit as the Tories. Perhaps we can get Hilary Benn in the cabinet again and start a few more illegal wars.”

UK News

Owen Smith slams Jeremy Corbyn for ‘weaponising train floors’

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Owen Smith has criticised Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn for ‘weaponising the sitting on train floors’, it has emerged.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, Smith said: “We all know the UK rail system is in trouble, and that is why I have stolen Jeremy’s plan for rail nationalisation along with a number of other popular policies.”

“However, the way Jeremy has weaponised the act of sitting on train floors is despicable.”

“Surely it would have been more prime-ministerial to use taxpayers’ money to upgrade to first class, or better still to hire a limousine for his long distance journey”, Smith suggested.

“This is just a crude attempt to make careerists like me look bad.”

“Just because I claimed £46,709.11 in expenses for the 2015/2016 parliamentary year, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m intentionally ripping off the taxpayer, although my secret plans to privatise the NHS definitely will.”

The leadership challenger added: “People should vote for me because unlike Jeremy, I do know who Ant and Dec are.”

Then, reading off a prompt card held up by a spin doctor, Smith delcared: “I’m their number one fan, having followed them since the beginning of their musical career as rap-artists PJ and Duncan. I own all their records, but the critically acclaimed Psyche is my favourite. That’s the one where they wrecked the mike. They even invented a completely new dance called The Rumble.”

“And unlike Jeremy, I’m a truly authentic shape shifting moderate who’ll do or say whatever is needed to get in.”

UK News

Paper founded, staffed and read by nazis claims left wingers are nazis

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A popular tabloid newspaper founded, staffed and read by nazis has now accused moderately left wing people of being ‘nazi stormtroopers’, it has emerged.

In an opinion piece in the Mail On Sunday titled ‘Why I despise Jeremy Corbyn and his Nazi stormtroopers’, right wing Labour donor Michael Foster repeated a number of outright lies, and attempted to paint the moderate left-leaning members of the public who support Jeremy Corbyn as being even more hateful and bigoted than the average reader of the Mail On Sunday.

The new accusation comes just a few days after right wing entryist and Labour deputy leader Tom Watson accused Jeremy Corbyn supporters of being Trotskyite entryists.

Watson has now offered £75,000 to theoretical physicists if they can find a way for Corbyn supporters to be nazis AND communists at the same time ‘using wormholes are some other crazy quantum shit.’

UK News

Right wing entryists in left wing party are furious at left wing ‘entryists’

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Right wing entryists in the Labour Party are furious that left leaning members of the public have attempted to join the party, it has emerged.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the right wing entryist Iain McNicol said: “When we realised Jeremy Corbyn might actually win the leadership contest, we knew our only hope would be to disenfranchise those new Labour members who we deemed most likely to vote for Jeremy.”

“Tom Watson very helpfully came up with his ‘Trotskyites’ conspiracy theory, which the media have helpfully regurgitated to give the impression that ordinary people who would like a fairer redistribution of wealth are in fact dangerous subversive communists.”

“He did initially propose issuing all Labour members with a tin foil hat to block Jeremy’s hard left mind control rays, but in the end we went with the Trots and commies line instead.”

“Unfortunately, despite the victory of our anti-democratic court case of disenfranchisement, it does look as though Jeremy may still win.”

“However, all is not lost. Thanks to several large donations from extremely rich spivs, our lawyers are currently preparing an even more expensive court case that would have Angela Eagle declared winner of the leadership contest if Owen Smith fails to win.”

UK News

Head teachers must do more to combat social mobility, say Tories

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Head teachers must do more to combat unacceptably high levels of social mobility, the government has demanded.

Education Secretary Justine Greening said: “The landslide victory we obtained in May last year gave us a clear mandate to institute a number of really quite nasty policies that were not actually mentioned in our manifesto. One of these policies is a crackdown on social mobility, starting in state schools.”

“For far too long, schools have educated children to a decent level, even those from left wing or poor families, helping them to achieve their potential and go on to have a rewarding career. This simply has to stop, and the poor need to learn their place is at the bottom, forever.”

“Our privatised academy schools have been doing a great job of prioritising private profits over quality of education, like the academy where poor pupils are water-boarded and forced to eat their lunch in isolation cells if their parents fall behind with school lunch payments.”

“I call on the headmasters of all remaining state schools to immediately privatise and implement these and other ground breaking Tory educational measures, or they shall face my wrath.”

 

UK News

Smith: why we are holding a knife to the throat of the Labour Party

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Owen Smith has described his strategy in the leadership contest as “holding a knife to the throat of the Labour Party.”

Speaking candidly to Guardian journalist Owen Jones, who used to be left wing, Smith said: “Going forward, the only real way to persuade Labour to move back to the right is by holding a knife to the throat of the Party.”

“I believe this compelling message will resonate with voters and will bring Labour back to power at the next general election. I plan make up some actual policies once we are in power.”

When challenged on his flip-flopping over NHS privatisation and support for austerity, the former Pfizer lobbyist said: “There’s nothing inconsistent in my position on the NHS and austerity. Nothing whatsoever.”

“As a Guardian journalist I’m sure you will understand that sometimes you absolutely have to adopt the political stance that your paymaster wants.”

“In my case, yes, it was my heartfelt belief that privatisation of the NHS would be fantastic, and I have no qualms about telling you the main reason I believed in privatisation was the substantial salary I received from Pfizer.”